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Post by sails on Oct 19, 2016 15:21:51 GMT
Do you like Chess? That's a sport? If I can do it, it's not a sport.
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Post by Mia on Oct 10, 2017 0:29:59 GMT
This general topic has come up elsewhere (not this site) and become heated enough for some posts/comments to have been moderated (deleted).
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Post by radellaf on Oct 10, 2017 4:25:41 GMT
Depending on the emotional content or intimacy of the letters, it could be as bad as "cheating" texting or emails. Albeit with a much longer time constant. Still, I'd be put off if my sweetie jealously inquired about who I was writing to. Don't much care about gender. Politics and religion, OTOH, that can put a damper on things. If it ever comes up, which it usually doesn't. Apart from one person who I discuss buddhism, consciousness, and "quantum physics" with.
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mskafka
Crayons
Posts: 40
Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
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Post by mskafka on Oct 11, 2017 7:53:29 GMT
This general topic has come up elsewhere (not this site) and become heated enough for some posts/comments to have been moderated (deleted). Really? Honestly, in the past year, and after a couple of bad experiences (again!) with male pen pals I think I've changed my mind and I will say: yes, gender matters!! For some weird, unknown reason I can't keep a friendship with a guy, no matter how hard I try. Edited: (I mean that I can't keep a friendship with a guy- pen pal. In real life I have a few, good male friends. It's just on paper when they picture me as someone I'm not, I guess).
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Post by Mia on Oct 11, 2017 9:48:25 GMT
Sadly, that discussion elsewhere took a racial turn (and I don't mean about penpalling with people in Africa, that may be a different kettle of fish).
Perhaps written communication is different from spoken conversations especially in person, because in speech not only is there tone of voice if you can see the person, you can also see their gestures which can change the context. Perhaps some people find the difference harder to comprehend and then they take the wrong meaning.
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Post by katiel on Oct 11, 2017 10:16:09 GMT
For me, the answer is "sometimes yes." I've had some bad experiences almost exactly like what mskafka described. I think maybe they mistake my enthusiasm for life with enthusiasm for them. But in general, I try not make judgements on the entire gender based on only a few men. The truth is, there are several guys I correspond with quite comfortably, with absolutely zero hint of romance. And I would be sad if I missed out on the opportunity of writing with them based on past bad experiences. The penpal I correspond with most regularly, and am closest to, is actually a guy in Europe. But he knows I'm happily married, and actually sends pictures and stories that he specifically thinks Jeff will find interesting all the time, too. So, no romantic pressure. Jeff is super laid back and very un-jealous (is that a word?), so he pretty much expects me to make my own judgements in all areas of life. Pen pals included. I know every person and every couple is different, but this works for us.
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mskafka
Crayons
Posts: 40
Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
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Post by mskafka on Oct 11, 2017 11:54:55 GMT
For me, the answer is "sometimes yes." I've had some bad experiences almost exactly like what mskafka described. I think maybe they mistake my enthusiasm for life with enthusiasm for them. But in general, I try not make judgements on the entire gender based on only a few men. The truth is, there are several guys I correspond with quite comfortably, with absolutely zero hint of romance. And I would be sad if I missed out on the opportunity of writing with them based on past bad experiences. The penpal I correspond with most regularly, and am closest to, is actually a guy in Europe. But he knows I'm happily married, and actually sends pictures and stories that he specifically thinks Jeff will find interesting all the time, too. So, no romantic pressure. Jeff is super laid back and very un-jealous (is that a word?), so he pretty much expects me to make my own judgements in all areas of life. Pen pals included. I know every person and every couple is different, but this works for us. This must be the reason why. I never thought about it before. I'm a quite talkative person in my letters, I write about personal things and put all my "emotions" on paper, both with men and women. Women see it as a sign of trust and friendship, men see it as enthusiasm for them, as you well described it. Recently a guy wrote me: "Please, stop putting up emotional barriers between us and admit your feelings for me". I was utterly shocked when I read that, as I had no idea what he was talking about!! It turned out he thought I was completely in love with him, as my letters were "personal". So I started to wonder: If I can't be myself when I write to a guy, then there's no point in trying to build a friendship. If I have to measure every word, think about all the possible meanings of an innocent sentence, etc... then penpalling becomes a stressing task instead of an enjoyable hobby. The last thing I want is to hurt somebody or create an uncomfortable situation.
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mskafka
Crayons
Posts: 40
Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
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Post by mskafka on Oct 11, 2017 12:05:24 GMT
Sadly, that discussion elsewhere took a racial turn (and I don't mean about penpalling with people in Africa, that may be a different kettle of fish). Perhaps written communication is different from spoken conversations especially in person, because in speech not only is there tone of voice if you can see the person, you can also see their gestures which can change the context. Perhaps some people find the difference harder to comprehend and then they take the wrong meaning. I agree. If I tell someone "Thank you, you're the best" face to face, he will see I mean nothing romantic, I'm just grateful for his help. If he reads it and he has a vivid imagination, god knows what meaning might come from there.
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Post by radellaf on Oct 13, 2017 23:59:07 GMT
Does it seem a little incomprehensible / ridiculous that a guy would even try to "romance" a penpal with physical letters? I mean, sure, back when personal ads were in print and said "please mail picture", then maybe. But these days, I'd think the fact that you're writing on paper would already indicate that the intent is friendly letter writing and nothing else. You want romance, get out of the house, or on the web, or on an app, or ask for a phone number... y'know, something where you can converse without a week's turn-around time.
I don't mean to laugh at a specific situation that troubled anyone when it happened, but in general the misconception on the guy's part, given the medium, is a bit laughable, at least.
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Post by katiel on Oct 14, 2017 11:26:28 GMT
Does it seem a little incomprehensible / ridiculous that a guy would even try to "romance" a penpal with physical letters? I mean, sure, back when personal ads were in print and said "please mail picture", then maybe. But these days, I'd think the fact that you're writing on paper would already indicate that the intent is friendly letter writing and nothing else. You want romance, get out of the house, or on the web, or on an app, or ask for a phone number... y'know, something where you can converse without a week's turn-around time. I don't mean to laugh at a specific situation that troubled anyone when it happened, but in general the misconception on the guy's part, given the medium, is a bit laughable, at least. And maybe that's why you're one of the guys it's easy to correspond with, Renard. Everyone can tell your happy with Wendy, too, so it makes it easier. No pressure. Sometimes I wonder, if maybe, they don't actually start out looking for a relationship, but when they feel or imagine that a special connection has been made, then maybe they just like the idea so much that they roll with it. And I've wondered if maybe the personal nature of handwritten letters amplifies that perception. I don't know, maybe it's not like this at all. But I find myself always trying to think the best of a person, until I can't anymore. So that's the theory I go with.
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Post by schnacks on Oct 16, 2017 20:22:49 GMT
As an aside, did anyone write love-letters to their girl/boy-friends and then partners/spouses? (perhaps that should be a topic for a thread of its own) Oh, most definitely. And what lovely letters they were too. I still have them!
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Post by penguy on Dec 1, 2017 1:03:37 GMT
I said gender doesn't matter and neither does age, though I don't generally write to children other than to offer advice or encouragement and not as pen pals. I was an elementary art teacher. My pen pals are, as far as I know, over 18. I often mention things my wife and I do or things I've done with grandchildren so my pen pals know I'm married and if there is something interesting in a letter I read it to my wife. I think that I have as many female pen pals as I do male.
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Post by penguy on Dec 27, 2017 0:51:30 GMT
I think it is perhaps where and how you find pen pals,that can make a difference. On lettermo, where I have found some of my pen pals I usually look at a person's profile and look for commonalities and things I know nothing about but would like to explore. If they don't say anything about themselves in their profile I do not pursue contacts, otherwise I PM them a couple of times before suggesting corresponding. That goes for either gender.
I have also found friends on Fountain Pen Network. There ir is usually something I find interesting in a post that prompts me to pursue possible correspondence, usually after a couple of personal messages. But I also check their profile.
In both cases it can be either male or female. There has never been a relationship problem with anyone I have written to.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2017 15:12:20 GMT
On lettermo, where I have found some of my pen pals I usually look at a person's profile and look for commonalities and things I know nothing about but would like to explore. If they don't say anything about themselves in their profile I do not pursue contacts... That's the main reason I prefer LetterMo in February as opposed to InCoWriMo - I like to know what the other person is interested in etc
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Post by rosesnbrambles on Feb 18, 2018 1:14:03 GMT
I started 2018 with no regular pen pals and no specific criteria for pen pals. I admit I'm cautious about corresponding with men and I wouldn't want to write letters and email (beyond a quick 'hey, got your letter' or to answer a time-sensitive question). If I found out someone I was corresponding with was hiding that from his/her spouse, I would most likely cut ties. Emails and text messages I didn't know anything about are how my (now ex) husband's affair began. I don't think a spouse should dictate who their partner corresponds with but there should be some transparency and respect for the feelings of the partner.
I always write with the assumption someone besides the person I'm writing to will read the letter. I currently write a weekly letter to a deployed US soldier. I know nothing about the family situation and very little about interests. I write letters that could be read aloud to friends or shared with family without hesitation. My letters are about every day stuff like learning squirrels had been storing food in my car's air vents. Work and my children are pretty common topics, too. If nothing else, they will know what a librarian really does at work by the time their deployment ends and my letters stop.
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