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Post by ginny on Oct 12, 2022 17:28:17 GMT
A little while ago, I received a farewell letter from a penpal who felt she had to cut back on her letterwriting activities. While I understand that priorities change over time, and I have written farewell letters over the years, too, I was taken aback by the way this person described how she made the decision whom she would stop writing to.
She went on about how she felt she wanted to write letters she enjoyed and elaborated in detail what she was looking for in penpals and their letters. The notions 'sharing one's life' and 'being in an ongoing conversation' were used several times.
I felt that this was really rude as it kind of implied I had made lots of 'mistakes' in our correspondence!
The funny thing was that she suggested we'd keep in touch via the occasional e-mail - and she'd like to remain in contact on Instagram, too. I couldn't imagine why she would suggest that - those who follow me on Instagram know that I post there fairly regularly and share little snippets of my life there that give people an idea of what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm reading or crafting etc. Nothing overly personal in the sense of selfies etc., but it's obviously like opening a window into my daily life. The person who sent me that farewell letter rarely posts anything on her feed - which is OK, I have lots of friends who don't post often, and that's no problem for me as long as we are communicating! It felt, however, like she wanted to glimpse into my life but not share any of hers, so my reaction to her letter was e-mailing her and letting her know that I wasn't interested in staying connected via social media or 'occasional e-mails' and that I wish she had not elaborated on what her preferences in letterwriting were because she had made me feel really bad with all that.
I will admit I was hurt by the whole thing. Not so much by receiving a farewell letter - as I said, I have had to discontinue correspondences in the past, too, for various reasons. It would never occur to me, though, to lay the blame on the other person's doorstep.
It was probably a mistake to send that e-mail, but I couldn't help it, I was so huffed that I had to react somehow. That was perhaps not my smartest move ever, but you know what it can be like, I suppose.
I would be interested to hear about other people's experiences in this department.
Have you received farewell letters that left you hurt and offended? If so, what was your reaction (towards the person who sent the letter and / or generally)?
Looking forward to hearing from you
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Post by sunshine2170 on Oct 12, 2022 20:01:02 GMT
Yes I have received a farewell letter on this group, it was the one and only letter I received from this person. As most of you know I type my letters because of my arthritis so its not a choice, actually my right thumb is fused straight in the second joint and I am a right hander (I have never told any of you that, it was fused in my 20s). I do sign on or off with a pen so everyone knows I do have a handwriting style - but writing a whole letter would be out of the question and take a few months in the making. Basically the person said they don't write to people who type and other stuff which I've blocked out of my brain - as I was in shock. Luckily I didnt have a writing relationship yet so the pain didnt last too long. That person left the group shortly after that. ginny I am sorry you received one too, I actually know how it feels to get one and its not nice. Do I owe you a letter? Last one I wrote to you was May 2022. I would have been very angry too and written back in anger so dont beat yourself about it. You made your point and she/he made theirs and its their loss. Life gets in the way sometimes and its happened to all of us. Some relationships can be revived but others don't. I was writing lots of letters in 2019 when we got laid off temporarily and I had 9 months to wallow. Now after covid everything is picking up and I am nearly working full time unless I reject shifts so life is pretty busy. One thing I haven't given up on is letter writing, it is my go to relaxation, as I enjoy reading about everyone's daily life. I may be abit slow but I am getting there. So hang in there ginny , you still have us and 5Qs to write for. Take care xoxox
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Post by ginny on Oct 12, 2022 20:28:50 GMT
sunshine2170, I actually owe *you* a letter. I'm way behind, obviously, but you know that the past year has been a bit of a sh*t show over here (fortunately, the situation is more stable now!!!), and I'm finding it difficult to catch up. But I'll get there - I'll let you know when my reply goes out. I can see where some people's uneasiness regarding typed letters comes from - I think most of us have received 'one size fits all' kind of letters - reports that have been typed up for everyone and that don't contain any personal references etc. And of course, this isn't much fun, so some folks' reaction is saying they won't write to people who type. As it is, I have quite a few friends who type for various reasons... some have horrible handwriting so I'm glad they type, others have health problems that make it hard for them to hold a pen - whatever it is, I'm not fussy about that. For me, it's the words that count, not the way they get onto the paper. But each to their own. I think I was hurt for several reasons. One surely was that this person knew all about the difficult times I've been going through, and she was aware of how I was desperately trying to keep my act together... It would have been easier if she had just said she can't keep writing - for personal reasons. I wouldn't have questioned that or got upset. Oh well.
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Post by sunshine2170 on Oct 13, 2022 0:07:34 GMT
sunshine2170 , I actually owe *you* a letter. I'm way behind, obviously, but you know that the past year has been a bit of a sh*t show over here (fortunately, the situation is more stable now!!!), and I'm finding it difficult to catch up. But I'll get there - I'll let you know when my reply goes out. Don't stress, I have waited 4 years for a return letter and found the reason why but was very happy to hear from that person anyway and we still write. Take your time
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Post by Catida on Oct 13, 2022 13:23:01 GMT
I can't remember I have ever received a farewell letter, but I've sometimes wished I had. Most of my ex-penfriends have just stopped writing to me. Often it's been a correspondence where I haven't felt a real connection, and I've assumed they had the similar feeling, so I haven't tried to contact them. But there's one penfriend that was very dear to me, and who several times mentioned how important our correspondence was for her, and then she just stopped writing. After a while I sent her a new letter and also e-mailed her, but never got an answer. Instead, after several months of silence, I got a wedding invitation (printed card). And then, nothing again. No answer to my congratulations. I understand priorities can change when you fall in love and get married, but I really wish she could have sent me even a postcard to let me know she was okay. Sometimes I still wonder if something bad happened to her, if the guy she got married with is the super jealous type that wouldn't let her contact anyone, or something..
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Post by Mia on Oct 13, 2022 19:28:57 GMT
I have received only a couple of farewell letters - one was due to financial reasons (loss of job), and the other said about finding new things in life.
I don't want to write farewell letters. I don't think I have. Perhaps it isn't even necessary.
If someone who has written to you turns out to be more than just a jerk, and has some unpleasant/hurtful views, no need to waste a postage stamp. If this was online, you wouldn't want to feed the trolls.
Then, there are those who you drift away from - you lose touch with school friends, former colleagues... but sometimes see them years later and are able to reconnect perhaps almost where you left off. If time suddenly becomes a constraint (busier at work, or with family, or illness), you might not have the time to write a decent letter or it could become a chore and not enjoyable. It can overwhelm. For a while, I just sent Christmas cards yearly to my only penpal when I was busy with new family life - I wanted to write at some point, but didn't know when that would be, and didn't feel like writing the equivalent of "see you around"... we did get back to letter writing for a while, before his ill-health took over...
I am happy to reply to most letter replies received many moons after my letter to them. I'm replying to one now... the reply to me almost 2 years after I had written. No reason given, but that's OK. Sometimes, it is just "stuff" or "life" that gets in the way.
I think there are some penpals I'd miss more than others (same with other people in life... even certain actors/singers/authors/... you may feel some sadness about more than others).
I think if we are somewhere on the internet, be it in a forum like this, or even on social media... perhaps it makes it easier to get back in touch, check if someone has moved....
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Post by InsomniaQueen on Oct 14, 2022 0:30:38 GMT
ginny, I have been in a situation similar to yours. I had a pen pal acquired through a Facebook group with whom I exchanged letters very regularly. He requested that I write a little something once per week, and he would respond likewise. I sent him letters weekly, and if there were delays (as were frequent at the height of the epidemic), he would message me on Facebook complaining about the wait. The letters I received from him were form letters that might have a few lines specific to our correspondence penned at the end. The form letters were intended to be humorous with self-deprecating stories he wrote about himself. The few handwritten lines were often disparaging remarks about other pen pals he had from our group. Eventually, he became more and more angry when there were letter delays, and his form letters were less and less frequent. He ranted that nobody was writing him quickly enough or often enough and a couple had stopped writing him at all. I responded telling him that I was hurt that he was unhappy with my letters as I had maintained the weekly schedule he requested and stopped writing about certain subjects when he asked me to. (He wrote me talking about football, so I responded talking about football. He told me he didn't want anymore letters about football. He wrote me talking about politics, so I responded in kind, and he told me not to write about politics anymore. Etc.) He wrote back and told me that he would only continue our correspondence if I wrote him "interesting things" like stories from my childhood or descriptions of the things that happened in my life when I was young. I had made the mistake of mentioning the abuse that occurred in my childhood when I hit a grief pocket. It hadn't been that long since my father died, so I had frequent episodes of pathos. Apparently, my trauma was highly entertaining and nothing else about my life was worth discussing. He even put a post on the Facebook group that read like a personal ad listing all of the things I normally write about as "baggage" and stating that he was looking for a female pen pal who could refrain from such baggage. He was livid (per Facebook message) when the group's admin took the post down. He stopped writing. Fast forward to a year later. I got a letter filled with regret telling me he never found another pen pal that he liked as well as me and asking to write again. I told him that was fine, but I don't have time to write weekly like I was doing before. Immediately, he began dictating the subjects of the letters and demanding that they be longer. I ignored the dictates and wrote what I wanted. He stopped writing again. So, I didn't exactly get farewell letters, but I definitely got feedback. I was hurt the first time around, but I had divested myself of the relationship by the second time around. Honestly, if he weren't an elderly fellow, I wouldn't have put up with it as long as I did. So anyway, I know how it feels to be found "lacking" by a pen pal. In my case, I am apparently only entertaining when I share my trauma.
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Post by ginny on Oct 14, 2022 9:39:20 GMT
InsomniaQueen, that sounds like a nightmare. Thanks for sharing this. It seems like this person had an issue with empathy (or rather lack thereof). I don't think I would have been able to put up with that for as long as you did. I once received a farewell e-mail from someone that left me flabbergasted. That person had demanded handwritten letters ('because they are more personal') and - despite claiming she had no issues with late responses - kept nagging that it took me a while to get back to her in a period when my mother was very ill and almost didn't make it. I told her that my mother was in hospital and I didn't have the nerve to write letters at that point but would get back to her when things got better. In response to that, she sent me a nasty e-mail, telling me that she was sick of hearing excuses (huh?) and my 'recriminations' (all I had said was that that I couldn't possibly meet her expectations at that point), yada, yada, yada. I didn't bother to reply to that, it was clear enough she didn't want to hear from me again - and after this, I was definitely not interested in the correspondence anymore, either. We had a mutual friend who made similar experiences with her, as it turned out by coincidence (I do not gossip about mutual penpals, she just happened to mention a disappointing experience with a penpal in XYZ, and in the conversation that evolved from there it turned out it was the same person). Years later I saw her profile on a penpal platform (I recognised the profile pic) - she had switched to e-mails / typed letters because 'writing letters by hand takes too long and you get a quicker turnover of letters when you type')... I probably should have titled this thread 'nasty experiences with penpals'.
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Post by sunshine2170 on Oct 14, 2022 18:38:00 GMT
WOW InsomniaQueen and ginny you have both had some horrendous letter writing experiences. I cant imagine being dictated to about what/who and when to write. When a penpal doesn't write I always assume firstly that they have passed. Then I realise life happens to both parties and patience is very relevant. Sometimes I just write again even if its not "my turn" just because I can. I dont know how you both put up with it. Anyway hope you both have better experiences
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Post by InsomniaQueen on Oct 15, 2022 0:39:04 GMT
sunshine2170, so far that is the only bad experience out of tons of other experiences. My feelings were hurt at the time, but I have definitely moved past it. I suppose that people are people wherever you meet them. We are all bound to meet someone with issues sometime. No doubt, there are things I do that bother some people despite my best intentions. I've only ever sent one farewell letter. I did not go into the real reasons for the farewell, because I had no desire to create conflict or practice fault-finding. I do feel that a farewell letter is a good thing so the other person isn't left wondering if you died or if the postal service lost your letters or whatever else you might imagine happening. But, that is a personal preference/opinion, and I'm not Emily Post (by a long shot.)
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Post by ginny on Oct 18, 2022 11:06:33 GMT
sunshine2170, the nasty experiences are clearly the exception. I've been writing to penpals for nearly 44 years now, and the vast majority of experiences have been positive. That doesn't make the nasty ones less nasty, but it's important to remember that most people I've met have been wonderful. I think in some cases a farewell letter is a good thing - some people need closure, and I know they'd worry if they just stopped hearing from me. In other cases, a farewell letter gives fuel for fault-finding or conflict... I've experienced that as well, so while I used to send a brief goodbye letter in most cases some decades back before the internet became a thing, I have been a bit more wary about that in recent years.
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sastrugi
Crayons
Posts: 22
Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
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Post by sastrugi on Oct 19, 2022 11:46:52 GMT
I did get a few. Some didn't surprise me as I felt the letters were forced and empty from both sides. When there is no connection it's useless to keep on trying. The other ones, well. There are periods in my life when it's very difficult for me to find time to write, I have a very demanding job that drains all my energy and when I come home I like to spend my free time with my family. When there is an end of a business quarter I sometimes don't even have time to eat a proper meal or buy groceries. And obviously, my family is my priority, not writing letters. Some people have a less busy life, no kids, no responsibilities and they expected me to prioritize their letters no matter what, so they felt betrayed, abandoned and disappointed and that I wasn't the person they thought I was. As if it was something bad to care about your family first. It is true I'm not the best pen pal and I'm late many times, but I do care about my pen pals and always reply. I think it's better to get a goodbye message than not get anything. I had a great friend (I thought he was), and after 3 years of an amazing friendship he disappeared. I wrote a couple of times to check if he was upset or if anything happened, no answer at all. It took me a long time to get over that. Not knowing why, that's the worse. Now he's back in the penpalling world and I saw his ad somewhere, I guess it was an unilateral friendship.
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