|
Post by Lupine on May 22, 2020 13:53:24 GMT
So I find myself questioning my manners and my etiquette and just about everything else. Oh my gosh! That was a heartfelt story. There is so much advice out there in the world about this kind of thing, but here is one possible perspective I've found to be stable for most circumstances: I can't make you like me, and I can't make you hate me. I just can't. I'd say it's an empty sad experience to be in the business of trying your best to fool people into liking you. And those are the reasons we hear the advice to "Just be Yourself." (People don't tend to learn this lesson just once in a lifetime. I'd say everyone has to learn it over and over.) . . . . Am I "PENCILS" now? Yipee!
|
|
|
Post by ginny on May 22, 2020 15:42:37 GMT
So I find myself questioning my manners and my etiquette and just about everything else. Oh my gosh! That was a heartfelt story. There is so much advice out there in the world about this kind of thing, but here is one possible perspective I've found to be stable for most circumstances: I can't make you like me, and I can't make you hate me. I just can't. I'd say it's an empty sad experience to be in the business of trying your best to fool people into liking you. And those are the reasons we hear the advice to "Just be Yourself." (People don't tend to learn this lesson just once in a lifetime. I'd say everyone has to learn it over and over.) . . . . Am I "PENCILS" now? Yipee! That's good advice. I think you've got to be authentic and true to yourself, and the people who appreciate & like you when you are yourself are the ones who count. You cannot possibly be friends with everybody, and 'making someone like you' usually isn't worth all the effort.
So... bottom line: just be who you are
|
|
|
Post by radellaf on May 24, 2020 5:33:32 GMT
One pen friend wrote me that I had responded to her letter too quickly and that she thought it was neurotic and needy and she would not want that, thank you very much! I broke up ....most especially Rapunzel, whose bleeding heart did not extend to anyone he actually knew. Wow, quite an indictment. If the shoe fits tho, then I woulda broke up too. As for reply speed, I find everyone tends to reply "too quickly", but only providing that I also replied that quickly. I have the same problem sometimes with email or Facebook. So, unless it is required and I am getting paid for being quicker, I just take it that I have to set the pace. If I can handle a letter every other month and write that often, it doesn't much matter to me if the other person replies in a week. If we both wrote the next week, though, then I think I'd have to have only one penpal.
|
|
|
Post by ginny on May 24, 2020 11:14:21 GMT
Regarding reply speed, I find it a bit irritating when people start telling me they want letters within a certain time span. Life doesn't quite work that way - most of us won't call or visit their 'real life friends' every three weeks, either, plus correspondence is supposed to be fun, not a chore! Sometimes we have other things on our plate, at other times we can respond quickly. Letterwriting is a form of socialising - and you're not always in the mood for it or simply have other things to do.
I agree that when you are just about to get to know each other, a 'rhythm' of one letter per year isn't exactly helpful (unless you also talk online a lot), but I've come across the weirdest expectations in penpal ads / profiles that made me shake my head in disbelief: from what paper they want their penpals to write on, how many pages minimum / maximum, time spans between letters (not too short, not too long), to what kind of goodies they'd like to send and receive, and please don't even think about answering the ad if you don't exactly fit the bill.
I find that all very limiting. I'm not applying for a job, after all. Variety is the spice of life, and I have more than enough rules and regulations to observe in my life already. I don't want to have that in my leisure time, too.
|
|
|
Post by stompie on May 24, 2020 16:58:40 GMT
I am terribly inconsistent as a pen pal and I know it. I don't know what to say to people. If I reveal certain truths about myself they may think XYZ!FUG!!!! If I don't do so, I will come off as too much of this, that or t'other. I know I end up disappointing people. Sometimes I panic and don't ask questions because I fear that they will not want even an implicit obligation. One pen friend wrote me that I had responded to her letter too quickly and that she thought it was neurotic and needy and she would not want that, thank you very much! I broke up a quasi-relationship over a penpal: The details are: I was a teenager with a nicely liberal boy-friend with tresses like Rapunzel. He got the idea that prisoners were oppressed people (I don't disagree) and found an ad in a paper magazine (there were no computers then) asking people to correspond with a prisoner. He decided to do it. The only problem was I was already managing his life for him and he wanted me to do the writing because I was a better scribe. Said prisoner, a cat named Steve (or was it a steve named cat?) responded with a couple of lines requesting that me mail him a carton of Marlboros. Rapunzel decided we should do it, but that I had to buy the cigarettes because I earned money from babysitting and he earned...nothing. Another request for a carton of cigarettes ensued. I complied but told cat/steve that I could not afford this anymore. He wrote back a threat--if I did not send him a carton he had people who could manage to see that I did. Fortunately that was the end of everything and most especially Rapunzel, whose bleeding heart did not extend to anyone he actually knew. So I find myself questioning my manners and my etiquette and just about everything else. I enjoy your letters as much as I enjoy writing to you!
|
|
|
Post by distractedmom on May 24, 2020 22:34:15 GMT
Fortunately that was the end of everything and most especially Rapunzel, whose bleeding heart did not extend to anyone he actually knew. This indictment of Rapunzel...what a perfect ending to your story! Don't let anyone tell you that you respond too quickly or too slowly or too anything. Be yourself. Remember, we can't all be everyone's cup of tea.
|
|
|
Post by radellaf on May 25, 2020 5:19:21 GMT
I get the idea some people aren't being penpals for fun or as a hobby, with all those requirements. Which leads me to wonder how they _do_ think of it? A social event, like dressing up for church? (or whatever, I don't go to a lot of social events where anything more than shirt & shoes is required)
Like ginny said, it's not supposed to be a chore, and it's not a job. It's basic decency to try not to hurt someone's feelings, but beyond that, I think your writing should be more about what you want to write, not what's "expected" by the recipient. There has to be some compatibility for it to be interesting enough to keep it going, but it's not the kind of close match you need for living together or anything.
The main variable I try to figure out is pen-nerdiness-quotient. I have one pal where 90% of the letter is pengeekery, most where I at least talk about it for a paragraph, and others where I just list the pen & ink for my own satisfaction. Level of politics / serious-stuff is probably another expectation I try to match. Not like I keep a spreadsheet to track any of that, I just go by what I'm replying to and maybe a quick look at what I sent last.
I just subscribed to HP instant ink, since the starter cartridges ran dry after 4 years of disuse, so now I might put in a photo more often ($5/mo whether I print or not). I don't imagine one would offend anyone as long as they don't think I'm implying they need to send one too.
|
|
|
Post by penguy on May 25, 2020 21:20:56 GMT
I sometimes include a photo, but usually of flowers or something I'm talking about in the letter. Usually it is letters to well established pen friends. Oh, and I also print recipes.
I guess the reason I feel like I can do it is because I too have HP Instant Ink. I used to have to replace cartridges every couple weeks, must have been about an 1/8 tsp of ink in each one. Now an ink cartridge lasts a couple months...what gives, probably selling my info to third parties and making more money off of the info than selling ink!
|
|
|
Post by hoyabella on May 26, 2020 15:18:10 GMT
If I reveal certain truths about myself they may think XYZ!FUG!!!! If I don't do so, I will come off as too much of this, that or t'other. I know I end up disappointing people. Sometimes I panic and don't ask questions because I fear that they will not want even an implicit obligation. Sometimes I am like this, too: in my last intro letters I didn't ask any questions. For the records, the reply rate was the pretty much the same as when I asked :-D There this long time penpal, we've been corresponding for more than 15 years, and now I am discovering that she's so far away from me in many ways but I have to admit that every time she explictly or implicitly challenged my stances and choices, I simply avoided to pursue the subject for fear to offend her...
|
|
|
Post by distractedmom on May 26, 2020 17:22:35 GMT
If I reveal certain truths about myself they may think XYZ!FUG!!!! If I don't do so, I will come off as too much of this, that or t'other. I know I end up disappointing people. Sometimes I panic and don't ask questions because I fear that they will not want even an implicit obligation. There this long time penpal, we've been corresponding for more than 15 years, and now I am discovering that she's so far away from me in many ways but I have to admit that every time she explictly or implicitly challenged my stances and choices, I simply avoided to pursue the subject for fear to offend her... Isn’t it funny how you are concerned about offending her, but she’s not worried about offending you?
|
|
|
Post by radellaf on May 26, 2020 17:59:34 GMT
I used to have to replace cartridges every couple weeks, must have been about an 1/8 tsp of ink in each one. Now an ink cartridge lasts a couple months...what gives, probably selling my info to third parties and making more money off of the info than selling ink! Typically the tiny cartridges would have about 4-5ml of each color (1 tsp ea) but the HP #95 popular in 2005 did have a refill volume of 2.3ml per. 10ml was about the smallest black, apart from a joke of a cartridge in a portable Canon BJC-55 printer that took 2ml. I'm not sure what's in my subscription mega cartridges but probably about 12ml per color, 40ml black? Same as with Sailor's 20ml mini bottles or Pilot's $15ml cute Iroshi, it's not the ink itself that costs much of anything. It costs a lot to develop, but is cheap to produce. The printhead on the cartridge probably costs more to make. I think they're doing the program so you'll use HP brand ink vs refills, which will lead to more satisfaction with the prints and fewer support/service calls (and $36-60 a year is better for them than $0). Especially for photos, and at least in '05, none of the refill inks were up to par with the brand name stuff. The best were close, the worst were abysmally bad. Also... they'd really like for you to buy more photo, brochure, or other expensive paper. The only down-side I can see, as long as the system works technically, is if you unexpectedly have to print like 500 pages of something and forget that you can upgrade your plan to the 700 pages for $20 temporarily. A lot of the bad reviews are from people like that. I also have a laser printer, partly just for the anxiety reduction when my sweetie wants to run off her taxes or something. I'm not counting pages on that thing. Sometimes I panic and don't ask questions because I fear that they will not want even an implicit obligation. If that's a requirement I'm probably offending someone. I'm more comfortable rambling on about topics and going on digressions than asking specific questions. I cover enough that there should be plenty of opportunity for them to reply with info about themselves and their life & experiences that at least begins with something that relates to what I wrote. If we're just starting, I don't figure I need to ask obvious stuff like "so what do you do?". I figure, if they want to, they'll just write basic info topics without a prompt. The 5Q is, naturally, great for my style as it forces me to answer and ask stuff rather than having to write most of it off-the-cuff.
|
|
|
Post by michelleg on May 26, 2020 19:15:13 GMT
I get the idea some people aren't being penpals for fun or as a hobby, with all those requirements. Which leads me to wonder how they _do_ think of it? A social event, like dressing up for church? (or whatever, I don't go to a lot of social events where anything more than shirt & shoes is required) Ha! You anticipated one of my June 5Qs ~ as I've wondered that too. What do people think they're doing when they write a letter?
|
|
|
Post by ginny on May 26, 2020 19:26:41 GMT
I get the idea some people aren't being penpals for fun or as a hobby, with all those requirements. Which leads me to wonder how they _do_ think of it? A social event, like dressing up for church? (or whatever, I don't go to a lot of social events where anything more than shirt & shoes is required) Ha! You anticipated one of my June 5Qs ~ as I've wondered that too. What do people think they're doing when they write a letter? Well, who knows? As it is, there's a million ways of looking at something, and what's important in a letter for one person might not do anything for someone else. There's no such thing as right or wrong, I'd say, just of 'compatible and disparate'.
I think it all depends on finding someone who has a similar concept - then there's a good chance a connection will work out. If people have different expectations... well, that's a different story
|
|
|
Post by michelleg on May 26, 2020 19:51:38 GMT
Ha! You anticipated one of my June 5Qs ~ as I've wondered that too. What do people think they're doing when they write a letter? Well, who knows? As it is, there's a million ways of looking at something, and what's important in a letter for one person might not do anything for someone else. There's no such thing as right or wrong, I'd say, just of 'compatible and disparate'.
I think it all depends on finding someone who has a similar concept - then there's a good chance a connection will work out. If people have different expectations... well, that's a different story In another pen pal club, the pen pals ads were listed by interest (crafters, writers, poetry, etc.); there was even one for ghost letters - where the pen pals pretends to write as some famous person. And there was also a section for those who were only interested in short term correspondence, which I thought was brilliant. I agree ~ I think it depends on finding a connection with those who are looking for the same thing. The issue is - how to define that "thing?" Which is why I'm asking that question in my June 5Qs once it goes up. I personally don't have a word for what I'm looking for in a letter. In these days of email and vitriolic Facebook posts, I'm just happy to get a real, live letter in the mail period!
Someone else said it best ~ just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. But also, communicate. After all, that's what letter writing - in the end - is all about! <3
|
|
escorpio
Pencils
Posts: 86
Looking for Penpals?: Perhaps. It depends...
|
Post by escorpio on May 27, 2020 9:13:17 GMT
Sometimes I panic and don't ask questions because I fear that they will not want even an implicit obligation. If that's a requirement I'm probably offending someone. I'm more comfortable rambling on about topics and going on digressions than asking specific questions. I cover enough that there should be plenty of opportunity for them to reply with info about themselves and their life & experiences that at least begins with something that relates to what I wrote. If we're just starting, I don't figure I need to ask obvious stuff like "so what do you do?". I figure, if they want to, they'll just write basic info topics without a prompt. The 5Q is, naturally, great for my style as it forces me to answer and ask stuff rather than having to write most of it off-the-cuff. This is my way of doing it to, talking about things in my life and on my mind, relating it to what was told in the letter I recieved and discussing topics. In my last letter I talked about reading and books, how my reading has changed, what I enjoy reading. It feels like an open topic for someone to talk about, if they wish, without my specifically asking "what do you like to read?".
|
|