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Post by michelleg on May 15, 2020 13:03:53 GMT
Letter writing, I think, requires time but it also requires some level of vulnerability and self-awareness - because the thought required in writing a letter (and not just signing a card and no note) opens up other avenues of thought and many are experts at distracting themselves. Letter correspondence can demand from the reader patience and acceptance of the writer's vulnerability and self-awareness. Some pen pals drop because their correspondent has moved away and are not considered worthy of the extra postage and because the correspondent after years of 'normalcy' and contentedness is now in an uncomfortable situation (divorce, bankruptcy, prison, terminal illness in the family/household). That makes sense - after all, even if pen pals never meet in person, it's still a relationship and as with any relationship, trust and vulnerability are key to keeping it alive and thriving. Well, a healthy one, anyway!
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Post by penguy on May 16, 2020 0:17:45 GMT
I had a strange thought or correlation perhaps. I have been trying to develop a sour dough starter batch. You have to keep feeding it to keep it alive. It is sort of like keeping a pen pal relationship going. You have to keep feeding it with thoughts and questions and new experiences. If it becomes the same old same old. Like sour dough starter left somewhere in the back of the refrigerator, it ceases to be productive.
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Post by ginny on May 16, 2020 11:12:10 GMT
I had a strange thought or correlation perhaps. I have been trying to develop a sour dough starter batch. You have to keep feeding it to keep it alive. It is sort of like keeping a pen pal relationship going. You have to keep feeding it with thoughts and questions and new experiences. If it becomes the same old same old. Like sour dough starter left somewhere in the back of the refrigerator, it ceases to be productive. This is an excellent analogy. By the same token... like yeast dough, you have to give it time so it doesn't fall flat rightaway because you expect too much to happen too quickly :-)
How's that sour dough coming along, by the way?
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Post by penguy on May 16, 2020 21:13:08 GMT
Just fed it again and letting it work. There is a lot to be learned from making bread, one of the main ones is patience!
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Post by vertolive on May 17, 2020 0:07:54 GMT
Recently, I told my longest standing pen pal something he didn’t know about me. There was nothing controversial or inappropriate about it, (it was a rank I held in a martial art years ago) but it was different enough to surprise him a bit.
Absolute crickets on this topic in his reply. Probably it wasn’t that interesting after all, but for some reason I feel awkward when this happens.
Sort of like, “I never mentioned I was raised by Coptic monks in Egypt”, then no comment. Was it something I said or am I boring?...!
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Post by Lupine on May 17, 2020 1:07:12 GMT
Recently, I told my longest standing pen pal something he didn’t know about me. There was nothing controversial or inappropriate about it, (it was a rank I held in a martial art years ago) but it was different enough to surprise him a bit. Absolute crickets on this topic in his reply. Probably it wasn’t that interesting after all, but for some reason I feel awkward when this happens. Sort of like, “I never mentioned I was raised by Coptic monks in Egypt”, then no comment. Was it something I said or am I boring?...! I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but I could not let your post go without a comment. That would be just too cruel . I got up to a Green belt, but it was a very traditional DoJo with a respectable teacher (http://www.hidyochiai.org/) so I feel okay about it. That was in 1988. I got in my own head so bad I couldn't go further. It's true what they say, silence can be deafening.
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Post by radellaf on May 17, 2020 7:13:59 GMT
I dunno if it means anything, I mean, was it something he would have anything to say about? If someone mentioned they had a rank in some martial art as one thing amongst a bunch of other topics I had something to say about, it'd be easy to pass it over. Or now and then if I've covered a bunch and the reply is long enough, I might not reply to every topic. I dunno, didn't see the letter, don't know the context, but I know I've not said anything in reply to some parts of letters without meaning it to mean anything other than I didn't have anything meaningful to say in reply. I've sometimes wondered about topics not mentioned in replies I get but that's usually because the reply I got was just too short to cover it all. So usually I just think, OK, 1 page limit (or whatever) for this pal, and let it go. Similarly if I get a huge letter then I figure I'd better pick what parts to leave out commenting on lest covering all they said, plus any new stuff on my end, is going to result in letters so big I put off replying just because I know it's going to take a really long time to write (same with emails).
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Post by ginny on May 17, 2020 8:41:21 GMT
Hmmm, the last few posts have got me thinking! And what's your conclusion, stompie? The suspense is killing me, to be honest!
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Post by michelleg on May 17, 2020 12:47:00 GMT
So glad someone else said it! Dale and Sue and I were just talking about this ~ how does one respond to a letter where no questions were asked and perhaps only short answers were given? Do you assume that the correspondent isn't interested in continuing to write? That they thought you were boring and so weren't curious to know more about you? I've had two letters like that and I haven't answered them yet because I'm honestly stumped. Advice welcome! As to Renard's comment about not answering everything in a letter, I would agree there have been times I missed something - and had already sealed up the letter so I couldn't add it later. But generally speaking, I read a letter - savoring it - and then when I go back to answer it, I write my responses in order, so that missing something is less likely. And I do tend to comment on EVERYTHING if a comment is warranted. Because any letter is great but long letters are awesome! That said, Vertolive - I wouldn't take it to heart - your pen pal may have had an off day or just missed it. If, however, it bothers you enough, you might want to mention it in your next letter to them.
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Post by christyotwisty on May 17, 2020 18:25:40 GMT
I don't assume much from one letter unless it contains some message like "don't write me again."
Years ago I corresponded with two people who, after a ten-letter volley over eighteen months, did not ever ask me a question. I was a domestic-stamp-cost journal entry recipient.
When I'm dissatisfied with my letter to a recipient, occasionally I'll write something like "even Barry Bonds doesn't always hit it out of the park". I know even the liveliest letter-writers suffer from low ebbs of vitality, and I allow for variations of mood and energy and circumstances.
I let it go if it's one letter where no questions were asked and only short answers were given, but I've written letters with short answers too, when I'm stuck in my car for a few hours and I have US domestic stamps and am eager to get them in a US mailbox because the travel time is a third of what it'd be otherwise, and fifty-five US cents is less than $1.30 Canadian. I do try to write questions, I've been teased gently about the number of questions I ask. After ten consecutive letters of no questions asked of me, I am convinced I'm nothing more than an increment to their physical information distribution channel.
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Post by michelleg on May 19, 2020 10:48:43 GMT
This one's an embarrassing epistolary etiquette question: What do you do when you've misplaced a letter? And it was the first letter from someone, so you don't know their address or their user name? I'm uber sad about it too - it was the second most exquisite letter I've every received! I put it aside to give it the time and attention it deserved and....I can't remember the safe place I put it!
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Post by Mia on May 19, 2020 13:17:40 GMT
I keep all the letters, but ones from finished correspondence, go up into bags with other finished correspondences and stored in boxes. I decided to reach out to a couple of the writers. However, I couldn't find the letters I had from the one. That annoys me. I'll find it when I am looking for something else!
Back in school, has anyone used, "The dog ate my homework" or similar excuse?
Get a letter rack or something to put unanswered letters in!
Incoming mail I do record now in my Filofax. Something I should do now! I shall also have to have an address book session.
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Post by christyotwisty on May 19, 2020 18:10:48 GMT
I use "the law of Attracting Murphy": start a letter to that person; the submerged letter generally turns up after my apologetic letter to the sender is mailed.
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Post by distractedmom on May 19, 2020 20:03:20 GMT
This one's an embarrassing epistolary etiquette question: What do you do when you've misplaced a letter? And it was the first letter from someone, so you don't know their address or their user name? I'm uber sad about it too - it was the second most exquisite letter I've every received! I put it aside to give it the time and attention it deserved and....I can't remember the safe place I put it! 1. I am an optimist. I think it'll show up. I like christyotwisty's idea of beginning a letter to help it along 2. I write down every letter in a notebook when it comes in, including sender's name, address and date of arrival. Then I record the date when I respond. I have lost letters before, but I at least know a name and address. It has saved by butt. Good luck!
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Post by doultonmyra on May 19, 2020 21:08:44 GMT
I am terribly inconsistent as a pen pal and I know it. I don't know what to say to people. If I reveal certain truths about myself they may think XYZ!FUG!!!! If I don't do so, I will come off as too much of this, that or t'other. I know I end up disappointing people. Sometimes I panic and don't ask questions because I fear that they will not want even an implicit obligation. One pen friend wrote me that I had responded to her letter too quickly and that she thought it was neurotic and needy and she would not want that, thank you very much!
I broke up a quasi-relationship over a penpal:
The details are: I was a teenager with a nicely liberal boy-friend with tresses like Rapunzel. He got the idea that prisoners were oppressed people (I don't disagree) and found an ad in a paper magazine (there were no computers then) asking people to correspond with a prisoner. He decided to do it. The only problem was I was already managing his life for him and he wanted me to do the writing because I was a better scribe. Said prisoner, a cat named Steve (or was it a steve named cat?) responded with a couple of lines requesting that me mail him a carton of Marlboros. Rapunzel decided we should do it, but that I had to buy the cigarettes because I earned money from babysitting and he earned...nothing. Another request for a carton of cigarettes ensued. I complied but told cat/steve that I could not afford this anymore. He wrote back a threat--if I did not send him a carton he had people who could manage to see that I did.
Fortunately that was the end of everything and most especially Rapunzel, whose bleeding heart did not extend to anyone he actually knew.
So I find myself questioning my manners and my etiquette and just about everything else.
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