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Post by michelleg on May 27, 2020 18:25:29 GMT
Some of the excuses I have had include. 2.They expected a letter within two weeks. First of all - welcome to the family! This is a great bunch of folks; haven't encountered anyone yet with such strange and strict guidelines. Whew! I'm assuming #2 was BTP (Before the Pandemic), because lots of mail is delayed these days. But my goodness ~ I mean, a response within 2 weeks would be great, but this isn't the 18th or 19th century. We all have other obligations and duties and other pen friends to write to! Anyhoo ~ welcome and hope you can join in on the June 5Qs which should be up soon next week!
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Post by vintagerose on May 30, 2020 21:16:46 GMT
Some of the excuses I have had include. 1. They couldn't write anymore due to money issues but yet funny enough had a new advert up some weeks later and even answered a new advert I had up not that long after with facts that were the opposite of what they had told me when we were writing. For example they had a great relationship with a sibling. Oh and dont get me started on how many old penfriends have quit writing letters to me only for them to answer my advert for penfriends. Only the other day I had two. I am sorry that you correspondence ended but #1 made me laugh! And it reminds me that Mark Twain wrote that telling the truth is easier because one doesn't need to remember anything... About your last paragraph, so weird! I assume that your name is not included in in your ad. In other news, welcome to the forum 🙂 My first name was yes.
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Post by vintagerose on May 30, 2020 21:19:41 GMT
Some of the excuses I have had include. 2.They expected a letter within two weeks. First of all - welcome to the family! This is a great bunch of folks; haven't encountered anyone yet with such strange and strict guidelines. Whew! I'm assuming #2 was BTP (Before the Pandemic), because lots of mail is delayed these days. But my goodness ~ I mean, a response within 2 weeks would be great, but this isn't the 18th or 19th century. We all have other obligations and duties and other pen friends to write to! Anyhoo ~ welcome and hope you can join in on the June 5Qs which should be up soon next week! Thank you for your welcome. I know what you mean, it would be nice to have a letter once every two weeks and I was able to do that when I was at college and had no other commitments but then I worked whilst at least one of the individuals didn't so had the time. And anyway if i wrote every two weeks I would have nothing to say
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Post by doultonmyra on Jun 1, 2020 20:46:49 GMT
I am on both sides of this: I've had a lot of penpals stop writing. And I've stopped writing to a few. Recently I have become more open and clear about my limitations. After over 5 years I admitted to a pen pal that there's nothing I hate more than being called "Nat". I'm also starting to come clean about some illnesses and limitations I have. I have also stopped dutifully answering letters to people who say they are praying for me or ask me for prayers. I don't write to anyone who supports the soi-disant "president" of the USA.
I'm getting really old and I have little concept if I received your letter two days ago or two months ago or two years ago. I am flaky, foolish, freaky, fickle, and flighty. I retired not all that long ago and the new dose of spare time seems to have been eroded away by a silly search for alliterations. But I feel that it's important to be me and to be honest. I artfully created pen-pal personas from about 1990-2016 to "match" what I intuited were the expectations of my interlocutor. That was a fiasco in the end.
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Post by tramplingrose on Jun 1, 2020 23:39:46 GMT
I artfully created pen-pal personas from about 1990-2016 to "match" what I intuited were the expectations of my interlocutor. That was a fiasco in the end. I kind of love the idea of creating penpal personas...But A) I’m not really that creative. B) I think it would be hard to keep track of the multiple personas? I am very much a WYSIWYG penpal - My online personas and me in real life are one and the same.
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Post by michelleg on Jun 2, 2020 11:53:51 GMT
We have stopped writing to three pen friends...one was rude and disrespectful on numerous occasions Wow, to be rude and disrespectful on paper - that takes commitment and a bone-deep bad attitude. We all have bad days, but to have a bad day on the page....I just wait until I'm in a better mood before writing! In all my pen-pal years I haven't had anyone be rude - just boring.
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Post by ginny on Jun 2, 2020 16:39:17 GMT
We have stopped writing to three pen friends...one was rude and disrespectful on numerous occasions Wow, to be rude and disrespectful on paper - that takes commitment and a bone-deep bad attitude. We all have bad days, but to have a bad day on the page....I just wait until I'm in a better mood before writing! In all my pen-pal years I haven't had anyone be rude - just boring. Rudeness is bad, I agree. But then again, it sometimes has to do with cultural differences what you perceive as rude. Just saying... For example: I have been asked by a few overseas penpals what my income is. I find that rude - you don't ask that sort of thing here - and ignored the question regularly. I'm sure my penpals didn't even consider anyone would think they were being rude.
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Post by michelleg on Jun 3, 2020 11:08:30 GMT
Ahh, now that's an interesting data point - don't know if it's because I'm American or just me, but I was thinking rude meant yelling on the page or saying nasty things, such as we see more on social media these days, but I guess that's more abusive than rude. I wouldn't consider asking my income rude - just gauche - and I wouldn't answer it as well - even my mother doesn't know how much I make!
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Post by ginny on Jun 4, 2020 14:21:14 GMT
Ahh, now that's an interesting data point - don't know if it's because I'm American or just me, but I was thinking rude meant yelling on the page or saying nasty things, such as we see more on social media these days, but I guess that's more abusive than rude. I wouldn't consider asking my income rude - just gauche - and I wouldn't answer it as well - even my mother doesn't know how much I make! Well, it is considered rude (= disrespectful, bad-mannered) and inappropriate here, not just 'gauche' (which is a word that I would use like 'awkward' or 'clumsy' - just trying to clarify if I'm using the right word here). I think there are many other examples for cultural differences that can rub people the wrong way - that's one of the pitfalls of communication
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Post by ginny on Jun 4, 2020 14:24:03 GMT
Rudeness is bad, I agree. But then again, it sometimes has to do with cultural differences what you perceive as rude. Just saying... For example: I have been asked by a few overseas penpals what my income is. I find that rude - you don't ask that sort of thing here - and ignored the question regularly. I'm sure my penpals didn't even consider anyone would think they were being rude. We totally agree with you, ginny , and we softly corrected the person the first time thinking the same thing about cultural differences. There were a few issues but for example, she kept playing with Sue's name...Susan, Susannah, Suzette etc. Each time, we would say it is Sue. Please, just use Sue. The same things kept happening and we kept politely correcting them and asking for them to stop. There were even a few PM's on the same issue, as well. In the end, after half a dozen letters we decided to stop as we were being ignored and not listened to and that is not something that we want from a friend or pen friend. Oh dear. That person clearly didn't get the message, huh? I reckon that person was trying to be funny or creative and thought they were merely teasing you while you found it obviously annoying. Not good. I can certainly understand you weren't keen on that sort of thing!
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Post by Catida on Jul 5, 2020 19:38:31 GMT
This was an interesting thread to read. I am amazed by how many of you have got or given some sort of explanation for ending correspondence. I have never had that happen to me. Instead the penfriends I had in the past simply stopped writing to me at some point. I think it's great if people do let their penfriend know they're not going to write anymore, and explain why. That gives one a chance to think if they could/should change something about their letters/ communication. And even if the reason feels ridiculous, at least you are freed from wondering what went wrong
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Post by doultonmyra on Jul 5, 2020 21:12:34 GMT
A newish pen pal broke up with me recently. She wrote: "I find that our letters, while often entertaining, are more of an exchange of personal information but not personal selves."
It hurt my feelings, of course, and the more so since I don't really understand what she meant. One clue might be that she wrote in the first letter than she did not want to discuss politics at all (they bore her) and I thought that I could work around that. But then I was always worried about what constituted "politics" in her mind. I have now recovered but I think if I wanted to break up with somebody I would certainly ascribe it to my own self and not to the other person.
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Post by Catida on Jul 6, 2020 6:59:19 GMT
A newish pen pal broke up with me recently. She wrote: "I find that our letters, while often entertaining, are more of an exchange of personal information but not personal selves." It hurt my feelings, of course, and the more so since I don't really understand what she meant. One clue might be that she wrote in the first letter than she did not want to discuss politics at all (they bore her) and I thought that I could work around that. But then I was always worried about what constituted "politics" in her mind. I have now recovered but I think if I wanted to break up with somebody I would certainly ascribe it to my own self and not to the other person. That is indeed a little cryptic explanation. I have one penfriend who feels quite alien to me even after a few letters. When I re-read her letters I noticed she's told a lot about her interests, the place where she lives and such. But nothing about how she feels about this or that, her inner thoughts. So I guess that's why I still can't sort of.. create any image of her. Well I'm continuing to write with her, maybe she is a person who just needs more time to open up. But can it be something similar that this ex-penfriend of yours meant? Maybe because you were holding back your opinions in fear of going into "politics"?
Anyhow, I hope you have other penfriends with whom you can write freely without the need to avoid any topic
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Post by radellaf on Jul 6, 2020 14:34:02 GMT
Anyhow, I hope you have other penfriends with whom you can write freely without the need to avoid any topic I have a couple that I know lean in my political direction, but I don't mind putting things that touch on politics but aren't talking about actual politicians, laws (usually, maybe pot), or really controversial stuff. Recently it's so bad I hesitate to say anything even on Facebook with friends I know are on the same side. Just don't wanna get into it for fear of not using the right words, or enough enthusiasm. I'm fine with getting to know someone's character, but I have a few others who are enough into pen geekery that I'll happily make a letter 90% just pen stuff. I don't feel I can _really_ get to know someone deeply even if I replied in like 1 month vs 2-6. I think most of the historical letters are between people who got to know each other in person? Entertaining is certainly sufficient for me.
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Post by ginny on Jul 6, 2020 14:39:29 GMT
A newish pen pal broke up with me recently. She wrote: "I find that our letters, while often entertaining, are more of an exchange of personal information but not personal selves." It hurt my feelings, of course, and the more so since I don't really understand what she meant. One clue might be that she wrote in the first letter than she did not want to discuss politics at all (they bore her) and I thought that I could work around that. But then I was always worried about what constituted "politics" in her mind. I have now recovered but I think if I wanted to break up with somebody I would certainly ascribe it to my own self and not to the other person. Not a very nice experience. I find it hard to get my head around the wording... I mean, if she's not happy with the correspondence, that's one thing. But putting it this way it sounds like you are the culprit and have done things the wrong way while it might just have been that she had different expectations.
I suppose you were just not very compatible. That can happen, and it's no crime to say goodbye under those circumstances. As you say, though, if you don't want to continue writing, it's better to ascribe it to your own self than to the other person.
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