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Post by katiel on May 24, 2021 11:56:59 GMT
Sooooo...I’m having a bit of a conundrum right now. I just received a Postcrossing “card” from Mexico (sent January 18th! Talk about a delay!). But it came in a big fat envelope. Inside was not a postcard at all, but a nearly full sized painting of a parrot (so gorgeous!) and a 5 page letter. The letter was written by the Postcrosser (a new Postcrosser at that time) and was a really nice introduction letter, and gushed about how happy she was that we were going to be penpals now, and how after reading my profile she made this parrot painting just for me and she hoped I liked it (I do! I have a beloved silly, sassy parrot, so this painting was super great!) Then she included a sticky note on the back of the painting saying she just realized she *had* to send a postcard so to just pretend the painting is a postcard. Which, I love it so much that, in this case, I’m happy to do... But...
I’m not really looking to add another penpal right now. I think I’m pretty much at my limit. But she wrote me this nice letter and I know that parrot picture took her hours to paint. She put in soooo much effort. So my question is...what should I do? I feel like it would be rude not to write back, but I don’t want to add another pen pal. Would it be rude to just write back a short letter and say something along the lines of “thanks for the nice letter and painting, but I don’t have time to add another pen pal right now?”
I really like Postcrossing because it’s pressure free, just send one and done. And it’s not quite working out that way this time. But part of me feels like I’m being a giant jerk - especially with the mail taking 5 months to get here. That would *only* be like one letter a year, maybe two. But...I’ve been turning down daily penpal requests on Instagram for ages and if I was going to add another penpal, I’d kind of rather have it be one of the people I talk to regularly on Instagram. This also makes me feel guilty, like I’m not giving this Postcrosser a chance. Do I have to say yes?
Feeling super guilty about this dilemma, and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Everyone here is really kind and seem to be very compassionate, so it seems like a good place to ask for advice. What do you think I should do? What would you do?
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Post by radellaf on May 24, 2021 13:12:56 GMT
Hmm, well I'd at least send a postcard, maybe a short letter, thanking her for the painting but saying you aren't looking for another 'pal at the moment.
But... nice as it is, what she did is an advertising technique. Send a free gift to make the recipient feel obligated to reciprocate. SPCA's address labels work on me. I've seen small checks, pens, usually nothing as nice as a painting. I won't assume it's intentional, but the effect is that she's being selfish and manipulative in regards to you. It seems like a nice gesture, but IMHO it's really not. It's at best an impolite attempt at social "level jumping," which is rarely a good thing to try.
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Post by ginny on May 24, 2021 15:22:00 GMT
katiel, I can totally understand your dilemma. I wouldn't think she was trying to trick you into writing back - she probably really, honestly thought that this is the beginning of a correspondence. Whatever the case may be - there are several questions you might want to ask yourself... 1) Was it an introduction letter that made you think 'oh, wow, I'd *love* to get to know this person', or was it more like 'she sounds nice, but not quite the kind of person I'd like to know more about'? 2) How would you feel if you had written a letter and put all your effort into it, and the recipient wouldn't reply at all? As far as I'm concerned, I think it would be rude not to react at all. In my opinion, it would be appropriate to write a short response, saying that you cannot really take on any new penpals at the moment, but that you thank her for her letter and the lovely painting and that you wish her the best of luck for her search for penpals (maybe you want to point out that there are sites like 'Global Penfriends' or others where she can find like-minded correspondents - and then tuck in a few goodies, like stickers she might like (perhaps she has mentioned what sort of things she likes in her letter or in her Postcrossing profile, and you can select some suitable die-cuts or sticker sheets from your existing supplies), a postcard from your area etc., or if you feel artistic and have the means, you might want to make her a few address labels that she can use in the future? Whatever you decide to do, you have to feel comfortable with it. Keep us posted on the matter, if you like!
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Post by motsamicaux on May 24, 2021 18:44:28 GMT
...I just received a Postcrossing “card” from Mexico (sent January 18th! Talk about a delay!).... I’m not really looking to add another penpal right now.... What would you do? Well, if each writer's letter takes four months to travel, you'd hear from each other only once every eight months....
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Post by purplemaze on May 25, 2021 2:04:49 GMT
I have been in this position (someone I sent letter couldn’t take more new penpals) before, I think, without a painting, lol. People run into all kinds of situations where they can’t increase the current load of correspondence, and that’s understandable. I didn’t take it personally In this forum I send a letter to only people who says they are looking for penpals. So if someone is indicating “perhaps, it depends” or “not this time” I don’t send to that person.
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Post by Catida on May 25, 2021 12:02:14 GMT
I don't think correspondence should be driven by the sense of duty. (Note that I think this is different from wanting to write to someone out of kindness, wanting to spread happiness, like @dignum mentioned. If you can see it that way, then writing does not feel like a task you have to do.) I would write her a thank you letter, praising her painting and telling how glad it made me, but add that I unfortunately can not at the moment take on new penfriends. And wish her good luck in finding people to correspond with. Maybe add some suggestions for websites or Facebook/IG groups where to search.
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Post by penguy on May 25, 2021 20:12:22 GMT
I tried Postcrossiong for a while. The idea seemed like fun. The only addresses I got were for postcards going to either Russia or China. I don't think the cards to China ever got there, at least I never got confirmation and the postcards to Russia took forever. Post crossing I think is great if you want to collect postcards from different parts of the world, but if it is to communicate with someone else forget it. That is the reason I settled on this site and have been happy ever since I joined.
Your Postcrossing parrot person sounds like someone who should be on A World of Snail Mail instead of post crossing. Since she is reaching out to you with more than a postcard it might be well of follow up and suggest that she does look at this site.
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Post by ginny on May 25, 2021 21:46:20 GMT
penguy, you've got a good point there. Postcrossing is fun if you want to have something nice in the mail and cannot make the commitment that goes along with a regular correspondence, and it's great for postcard collectors. Maybe the Postcrossing parrot person really didn't know where to look for penpals? I have met people online (Instagram, for example) who had no idea that people still write letters and said they wouldn't know where to start if they wanted to find penpals.
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Post by stompie on May 26, 2021 7:19:38 GMT
That is the reason I settled on this site and have been happy ever since I joined. Your Postcrossing parrot person sounds like someone who should be on A World of Snail Mail instead of post crossing. Since she is reaching out to you with more than a postcard it might be well of follow up and suggest that she does look at this site. Yep, nailed it penguy! I was thinking of the same thing when I read through this!
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Post by katiel on May 26, 2021 17:21:11 GMT
Thank you all so much for your wonderful suggestions and advice. You all had a lot of good points to consider and have helped me make (what I think is) a good decision regarding how to handle this.
In this case (purely since she was a brand new Postcrosser), I don’t *think* she meant to be manipulative. She sounded really nice, just maybe confused as to what Postcrossing actually was, since she kind of missed the whole point about sending a postcard. But perhaps unrelatedly, since she did send such a lovely letter/painting, I did feel pressured to respond in kind, and meet her expectations (like Renard mentioned).
I think really she may have just been confused and thought it was maybe more of a penpal matching site. I think you may have been right and she just didn’t know where else to get started. I think this forum might be the perfect place for her actually, and I can’t believe I didn’t think of that right away. And while she seemed really nice, I really probably shouldn’t add any more pen pals right now. So, I think this is what I’ve decided to do:
I think I’ll write her a shorter 1-2 page letter, thanking her for the wonderful painting and her letter, and explain that while I can’t really add another penpal right now, I could suggest this forum and maybe one or two other good places to find penpals. (And maybe mention Postcrossing isn’t really for finding penpals? Still debating that part). But I think I’ll still answer the questions she asked in her letter, so that I’m not just disregarding all her work writing it. And I especially liked Ginny’s idea of adding some goodies that she’d like into the envelope too - that makes it seem nicer somehow - less mean... And kind of shows I appreciated her letter and painting, even if I’m not planning to write back after this. I’m feeling a lot better about this, and think I’m ready to write that reply now.
Thank you so much for all your help everyone! Every person who weighed in had me considering different angles, so even if I didn’t mention you by name here, I really valued your responses.
Thanks everyone!
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Post by radellaf on May 27, 2021 4:39:39 GMT
Sounds like a great way to handle it.
I don't think it was intentional manipulation on her part, just that it effectively ended up having that effect. I've certainly stretched enough social norms back in the day, and usually with no idea it was a problem. Often with the conviction that I was doing it better by skipping steps. Generally tho, it just made the other person uncomfortable.
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Post by penguy on May 27, 2021 12:23:29 GMT
Post crossing isn't really for finding pen pals but if I remember right (it has been a long time) there was somewhere where you could indicate further contacts were allowed. You should probably check the settings on Postcrossing. I'm not for pen pals randomly selected for me, like to get a sense of who I'm going to establish correspondence relationship with.
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Post by katiel on May 28, 2021 10:28:30 GMT
Double checked: there are no settings for further contact, but there is a setting to say you’re interested in setting up direct postcard swaps.
To be fair, I did end up with a pen pal from Postcrossing a couple years ago - but that involved several messages back and forth, after the received postcard, which led to a mutual interest and mutual agreement to become pen pals. That, to me, felt totally different since we had been messaging back and forth sporadically for several weeks by then, and were both interested, and had agreed to the idea.
A lot of times, I like to know who I’m going to be corresponding with ahead of time, too, but sometimes I like a surprise too - like the 5Q thread here. But this forum seems to attract people who are dedicated letter writers, loyal, and just generally fun to write with (my pen pals from here are generally my favorite ones). So 5Q seems like a totally safe “gamble” as every time, the new penpal from there has been a big winner. So I can go both ways... but I guess I’m just not feeling it this time. And that makes me feel guilty for some reason.
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Post by ginny on May 28, 2021 11:27:05 GMT
Double checked: there are no settings for further contact, but there is a setting to say you’re interested in setting up direct postcard swaps. To be fair, I did end up with a pen pal from Postcrossing a couple years ago - but that involved several messages back and forth, after the received postcard, which led to a mutual interest and mutual agreement to become pen pals. That, to me, felt totally different since we had been messaging back and forth sporadically for several weeks by then, and were both interested, and had agreed to the idea. A lot of times, I like to know who I’m going to be corresponding with ahead of time, too, but sometimes I like a surprise too - like the 5Q thread here. But this forum seems to attract people who are dedicated letter writers, loyal, and just generally fun to write with (my pen pals from here are generally my favorite ones). So 5Q seems like a totally safe “gamble” as every time, the new penpal from there has been a big winner. So I can go both ways... but I guess I’m just not feeling it this time. And that makes me feel guilty for some reason. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. If you don't want to write, you don't want to write. This is why I asked if it was a letter that really made you go 'oh, wow, I'd love to get to know this person'. If you had said 'yes, but I don't know if I have the time for another correspondent', I would have said 'go for it, anyway'. But you didn't sound too excited about the person, to be honest - it was more that you appreciated the effort she had put into her letter and the painting.
I don't know about everyone else here, but I get to hear a lot about the famous 'click' when people talk about why they write letters to a particular person. I know what that means, but I'm also in the business for long enough to know that this 'click' might not happen instantaneously, so I tend to give people a chance, even if there's no immediate 'oh, I'm so excited'-vibe. However, with some people, I know rightaway that chances aren't great for us to have a good communication. Sometimes, I cannot pinpoint what it is and have to mull over it. But as it is, we cannot be friends with literally everyone, and so we have to find out about our own comfortzone and what we look for in a (pen) friendship.
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Post by davidv on May 29, 2021 1:49:05 GMT
But this forum seems to attract people who are dedicated letter writers, loyal, and just generally fun to write with... That has been my experience too. I guess this would be a pretty boring forum for someone who didn't like writing letters.
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