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Post by mailartist on Jan 28, 2016 15:53:33 GMT
I have two examples to share, which (I think) capture the extremes of the "writing to people the same or different from me." One was a Postcrossing posting of a teenage girl looking for a pen pal. The other was a story of two folks (John Bennett and C. Mehrl) in the "Making Mail" You Tube documentary.
I don't recall the exact "asking for a pen pal" posting by the Postcrossing gal, but what I read was essentially looking for AN EXACT CLONE of the writer. Her exact age, her same interests, her identical birthday month, her particular hair color and style -- she went on and on like this. "Here's me. Be a duplicate." As I read, I thought "there's NO WAY that anyone is going to meet all these requirements. She might just as well correspond with herself." And I don't think that she got any responses, so that may well have been her fate.
Then again, the Making Mail story involved a woman named "C. Mehrl" (don't recall whether the documentary told her first name), who went to a 1970s mail art show in Dubuque, Iowa. While there, the wrote down some addresses of people whose art she was intrigued by, and one of those was John Bennett's.
Not that she immediately liked John Bennett's work. It was a form of visual poetry that seemed abstract, swirly and strange. But, she recognized that "hey, I can learn something from this person, and I want to understand his work better." (That being said, I have seen some of John's work online, and in a book at the bookstore once, and I don't "get it" either. It is intriguing, though, his creational style.) Anyway, she said that as they corresponded, she began to respect more what he was doing, and the eventually became friends, got married, and continued in the mail art world.
A good pen pal will probably be somewhere between those two extremes, and I think it's healthy to write folks at various points on that continuum. I'm guessing that folks newer to pen palling may be likely to look for pen friends closer to the "just like me" end of things, while more seasoned folks may realize that people who (at first) seem different, are nevertheless like us in lots of areas.
For me, I look for a pen pal who writes about a variety of things. It would become tedious if someone wrote about the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, the same . . . (you get the point). And that's true whether it's about a child, a detested boss, or "I want this fountain pen, that fountain pen" -- as though a letter were simply a grocery list. Mailing after mailing like that would start to feel like a book of essays, and not correspondence, along with seeming a bit narcissistic and obsessed. I do recall reading a posting somewhere about a pen pal who talked about nothing except the weather. Two or three page letters about rain and sun -- and this person wasn't a meteorologist! In my letters, I try to change up the topics. If I included a lot of fountain pen info in one letter, then the next one, I might talk about art, or some holiday experience. I don't ever want my letters to be clones.
I think we need to be patient with other writers, and with the writing process, which can take some time to sort out. We can be as interested in other people as we can, and honest about our own lives and experiences, but remember that people dwindle from writing for a number of reasons. Receiving snail mail may seem like an enchanting thing, but it's going to require an ongoing commitment, and some people aren't realistic about what that entails. Sort of like getting a pet. It may seem wonderful at first, but there are invariably some hard moments where one wonders about the wisdom of ever "pet getting."
This original post is the opposite of the "Not Sure If I Should Keep Writing" thread started by Adomnan. Whether one is trying to dump a pen pal, or is coping with the fall out of having been dumped, we're all, at the base of it, pretty much the same. Realizing that we may not know the full reason why people do various things, we should just give people the benefit of the doubt, and be as kind as we can. THAT INCLUDES TO OURSELVES, particularly if we've been dumped for one reason or another.
Anna, don't take uninformed criticism coming from a relative stranger as valid judgment against yourself. Even in the court of law, there is a jury of varied individuals that hears all the evidence and then takes time to deliberate to a verdict. We, on the other hand, are much more likely to condemn ourselves after the first critical remark, when instead you just had a pen pal that didn't work out. Next time, pursue a number of pen friendships, and keep all those open until time separates out the diamonds from the dust bunnies.
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Post by annavalerious on Jan 29, 2016 7:09:03 GMT
It works the other way too. I don't have kids (the reason is irrelevant) & that made some 'friends' and pen pals, who became parents after our 'friendships' were established, uncomfortable for some reason. Some stopped inviting me to things because they thought I wouldn't "understand their lives anymore". This is a real quote "......you can't possibly know how difficult it is to be a mum, or know how to be responsible for something totally dependent on you. You can be a selfish person, unlike a mother, as you can just please yourself". I won't quote my reply here. Sadly It'll always be that way - prejudice and intolerance raises its ugly head all too often, even at the most mundane level. So just forget the close-minded ones and move on..... Actually, I have one of those pen pals too! I've known her since we were both childless but now she looks for "moms of 2 or more kids who can understand how difficult my life is". Honestly, at the moment, I don't feel that my life is that difficult. Sure, you have different worries. Your kid comes first, all your plans for holidays change (no more sunbathing in a relaxing way, no more sleeping for more than 6 hours, no more peaceful meals in a restaurant) but I know single people who have to take care of their ill mother or father and their lives are much more complicated and extreme than mine! I've also seen people removing single friends from their lives after they got their own family,and that's so sad. I keep on inviting my single friends to our home. They know what they'll find here if my kid is at home. Maybe they won't get my attention 100% if there's something to do (prepare a sandwich, give a drink, etc...) but I make sure I'm 99% there for them. And nobody ever complained to me. And they're always asking me "when can I visit you again?"
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Post by annavalerious on Jan 29, 2016 7:13:07 GMT
I have two examples to share, which (I think) capture the extremes of the "writing to people the same or different from me." One was a Postcrossing posting of a teenage girl looking for a pen pal. The other was a story of two folks (John Bennett and C. Mehrl) in the "Making Mail" You Tube documentary. I don't recall the exact "asking for a pen pal" posting by the Postcrossing gal, but what I read was essentially looking for AN EXACT CLONE of the writer. Her exact age, her same interests, her identical birthday month, her particular hair color and style -- she went on and on like this. "Here's me. Be a duplicate." As I read, I thought "there's NO WAY that anyone is going to meet all these requirements. She might just as well correspond with herself." And I don't think that she got any responses, so that may well have been her fate. Then again, the Making Mail story involved a woman named "C. Mehrl" (don't recall whether the documentary told her first name), who went to a 1970s mail art show in Dubuque, Iowa. While there, the wrote down some addresses of people whose art she was intrigued by, and one of those was John Bennett's. Not that she immediately liked John Bennett's work. It was a form of visual poetry that seemed abstract, swirly and strange. But, she recognized that "hey, I can learn something from this person, and I want to understand his work better." (That being said, I have seen some of John's work online, and in a book at the bookstore once, and I don't "get it" either. It is intriguing, though, his creational style.) Anyway, she said that as they corresponded, she began to respect more what he was doing, and the eventually became friends, got married, and continued in the mail art world. A good pen pal will probably be somewhere between those two extremes, and I think it's healthy to write folks at various points on that continuum. I'm guessing that folks newer to pen palling may be likely to look for pen friends closer to the "just like me" end of things, while more seasoned folks may realize that people who (at first) seem different, are nevertheless like us in lots of areas. For me, I look for a pen pal who writes about a variety of things. It would become tedious if someone wrote about the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, the same . . . (you get the point). And that's true whether it's about a child, a detested boss, or "I want this fountain pen, that fountain pen" -- as though a letter were simply a grocery list. Mailing after mailing like that would start to feel like a book of essays, and not correspondence, along with seeming a bit narcissistic and obsessed. I do recall reading a posting somewhere about a pen pal who talked about nothing except the weather. Two or three page letters about rain and sun -- and this person wasn't a meteorologist! In my letters, I try to change up the topics. If I included a lot of fountain pen info in one letter, then the next one, I might talk about art, or some holiday experience. I don't ever want my letters to be clones. I think we need to be patient with other writers, and with the writing process, which can take some time to sort out. We can be as interested in other people as we can, and honest about our own lives and experiences, but remember that people dwindle from writing for a number of reasons. Receiving snail mail may seem like an enchanting thing, but it's going to require an ongoing commitment, and some people aren't realistic about what that entails. Sort of like getting a pet. It may seem wonderful at first, but there are invariably some hard moments where one wonders about the wisdom of ever "pet getting." This original post is the opposite of the "Not Sure If I Should Keep Writing" thread started by Adomnan. Whether one is trying to dump a pen pal, or is coping with the fall out of having been dumped, we're all, at the base of it, pretty much the same. Realizing that we may not know the full reason why people do various things, we should just give people the benefit of the doubt, and be as kind as we can. THAT INCLUDES TO OURSELVES, particularly if we've been dumped for one reason or another. Anna, don't take uninformed criticism coming from a relative stranger as valid judgment against yourself. Even in the court of law, there is a jury of varied individuals that hears all the evidence and then takes time to deliberate to a verdict. We, on the other hand, are much more likely to condemn ourselves after the first critical remark, when instead you just had a pen pal that didn't work out. Next time, pursue a number of pen friendships, and keep all those open until time separates out the diamonds from the dust bunnies. That's the key: patience. I always try to give people a chance. It happened already that the first letters weren't what I had expected and in the end it was the opposite and we became great friends. When you get to know someone you can't rush. I've been dumped many times in the past and I always accepted it and understood their reasons (that my letters didn't have "that thing", that they didn't feel "the connection", that my handwriting was awful, all sort of reasons). But they always dumped me after several months writing, never before exchanging the first letter. I'll move on and forget. I guess there are all sorts of people out there and some are really "special"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2016 12:57:29 GMT
Sorry to hear you've come up against such ridiculous attitudes I'm 47 and never wanted children (think I was born without the broody gene...and still don't feel 'grown up' enough to do something as mature as have children!!! ) but absolutely adored taking my niece out when she was younger (she's 24 this year - how did that happen?) and have a few penpals who have children and it's never been an issue with me. People are so silly over stuff - I wouldn't let it get to you pet (((BIG HUGS))) I've often had insults thrown at me in real life because I don't have children....I won't have anyone to look after me when I'm old...must hate kids....etc etc It used to upset me years ago but now I just think ''Yeah, whatever'' Mind you....I'd probably have less mess to clean up with half a dozen children that this one husband of mine!!!
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ieahleen
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Post by ieahleen on Jan 29, 2016 14:34:23 GMT
I feel to young to have children (21 this year), but I don't think that should be a reason to be or not to be penpals. I think I would like to write to people of all ages with all kinds of family, I think I wouldn't mind writing also to children, the way the children see the world is beautiful. I think I shouldn't limit myself in some ways with the people to whom I write, if we click that's not because to others like children, pets, lovers etc and if we don't click that's all the same not the reason.
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Post by saskiamadding on Jan 30, 2016 2:18:08 GMT
I've had a pen pal get married and give birth twice over the course of our friendship. Once she had the child, her entire letter was about him. I understood completely, and even though I did find it a tad boring after several letters, I never said anything and dutifully responded to whatever she wrote about. But the time between her letters got longer and longer, and though I never complained, I did wonder if she'd eventually drop me in favour of pen pals with kids. Which is exactly what ended up happening.
I felt pretty put out by this. I could easily have shared stories of dependents - I rescue animals and nurse them back to health from the brink of death, often with two hour feedings all through the night, crying, rushes to the ER, the works. And I help my 80 year old mom take care of our house, as well as my 87 year old dad with dementia, who is now reduced to essentially a child, complete with mini tantrums, poop in his diaper and on the floor, feedings, washings, dressings, and an inability to leave him alone EVER.
Still, I don't talk about all that all the time in my letters, and I suppose my pen pal eventually figured she'd rather talk to someone she thought could understand her daily reality better, even though I thought I understood it pretty well. <shrug>
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Post by annavalerious on Feb 4, 2016 6:55:53 GMT
I've had a pen pal get married and give birth twice over the course of our friendship. Once she had the child, her entire letter was about him. I understood completely, and even though I did find it a tad boring after several letters, I never said anything and dutifully responded to whatever she wrote about. But the time between her letters got longer and longer, and though I never complained, I did wonder if she'd eventually drop me in favour of pen pals with kids. Which is exactly what ended up happening. I felt pretty put out by this. I could easily have shared stories of dependents - I rescue animals and nurse them back to health from the brink of death, often with two hour feedings all through the night, crying, rushes to the ER, the works. And I help my 80 year old mom take care of our house, as well as my 87 year old dad with dementia, who is now reduced to essentially a child, complete with mini tantrums, poop in his diaper and on the floor, feedings, washings, dressings, and an inability to leave him alone EVER. Still, I don't talk about all that all the time in my letters, and I suppose my pen pal eventually figured she'd rather talk to someone she thought could understand her daily reality better, even though I thought I understood it pretty well. <shrug> That's sad, and I'm sorry to hear that. I think it goes both ways: single people who don't want to write to mothers/fathers and mothers/fathers who think that single people don't understand them. Each of my friends is special for me, and I don't write about the same things in the letters. If my pen pal is single I try to talk about other subjects that have nothing to do with family life, as I also enjoy a "break" from it. I also have a pen pal who is exactly as you described yours: can you imagine 13 A4 pages about her son, only her son? School, achievements, how smart he is, that he ate a cake yesterday and made a funny comment, etc... I go nuts when I have to reply her letters!!
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Post by swanjun on Feb 5, 2016 16:06:00 GMT
It works the other way too. I don't have kids (the reason is irrelevant) & that made some 'friends' and pen pals, who became parents after our 'friendships' were established, uncomfortable for some reason. Some stopped inviting me to things because they thought I wouldn't "understand their lives anymore". This is a real quote "......you can't possibly know how difficult it is to be a mum, or know how to be responsible for something totally dependent on you. You can be a selfish person, unlike a mother, as you can just please yourself". I won't quote my reply here. Sadly It'll always be that way - prejudice and intolerance raises its ugly head all too often, even at the most mundane level. So just forget the close-minded ones and move on..... If I received a letter with that quote, flames would shoot out of my eye sockets (and I'm normally quite mild-mannered). Try caring for an ailing, elderly kitty who not only needs several medications, but needs them at certain times of day so that they don't conflict with one another, in addition to having subcutaneous fluids administered nightly! Not to mention food, fresh water, a clean litter box, etc. I have no children, but I am definitely responsible for some furry dependents!
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silverbreeze
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Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
Country I live in is: USA
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Post by silverbreeze on Feb 5, 2016 18:57:28 GMT
It works the other way too. I don't have kids (the reason is irrelevant) & that made some 'friends' and pen pals, who became parents after our 'friendships' were established, uncomfortable for some reason. Some stopped inviting me to things because they thought I wouldn't "understand their lives anymore". This is a real quote "......you can't possibly know how difficult it is to be a mum, or know how to be responsible for something totally dependent on you. You can be a selfish person, unlike a mother, as you can just please yourself". I won't quote my reply here. Sadly It'll always be that way - prejudice and intolerance raises its ugly head all too often, even at the most mundane level. So just forget the close-minded ones and move on..... If I received a letter with that quote, flames would shoot out of my eye sockets (and I'm normally quite mild-mannered). Try caring for an ailing, elderly kitty who not only needs several medications, but needs them at certain times of day so that they don't conflict with one another, in addition to having subcutaneous fluids administered nightly! Not to mention food, fresh water, a clean litter box, etc. I have no children, but I am definitely responsible for some furry dependents! And kitty or puppy can not have reasons explained to them. We can say it but they hear the Peanuts adults sound
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Post by skye on Feb 6, 2016 19:01:57 GMT
Sorry Anna, thats got to be tough to read but in the end it is their loss. Much like gillykat (you took the words right out of my mouth, so to speak), migo and I am sure some more of you, I do not have any kids and have heard all of the 'you won't understand'. In the end I think it may come down to their insecurities more than anything. They probably not only want someone who can tell them it is okay, they will survive whatever stage they are at but also will not complain if they write about nothing more than their kids, child rearing techniques etc.
Personally I enjoy receiving letters from people who are different from me (luckily that is more likely than not) and the more the merrier (although I am severely behind on writing letters at the moment). Over the past several years (usually post February and InCoWriMo) I have had to make peace wi the fact that not everyone I start off writing to will always write back. While I have never been told why, I gather its either because my letters are boring, they want someone who will reply faster, they are too busy with other things going on that they have no time to reply, my letter (or theirs) got lost along the way and they think I dont want to keep writing or a host of other reasons. In the end I think we end up with the penpals who resonate with us on some level. Almost like kissing a lot of penpal frogs before finding our penpal prince and princesses.
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jburchett
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Post by jburchett on Feb 9, 2016 5:43:51 GMT
Hm. That does sound quite unfair. Frankly, I just like to write and exchange correspondence. I like talking to people, getting to know people, and learning from others. I don't drop a pen pal because they're a parent (or any reason, really). Actually, I've never dropped a pen pal. For me, it isn't about finding someone like yourself, or with the same lifestyle as you; it's about engaging with another human in a classic pastime that has lost some appreciation. Hopefully you will be able to find some pen pals that are not halted by you being a mom. And my apologies that this has happened to you.
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PurpleFP08
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Post by PurpleFP08 on Mar 3, 2016 11:49:07 GMT
Hi i cant belive she did that to u but know i would never turn anyone away like that its rude and not nice i dont understand why people do things like that esp since u had so much in common but i hope with all the nice comments u know ur muched loved here xxx ive never had a penpal before why i joined here i have a lot of health issues and im a mum to an autistic son to here your problem has upset me a lot i have no friends either because im am a mum and my health went down hill so i know ur pain there im comletly new to penpalling so im sorry if ive upset anyone but i cant wait to speak to u all xxx
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silverbreeze
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Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
Country I live in is: USA
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Post by silverbreeze on Mar 3, 2016 13:23:25 GMT
Hi i cant belive she did that to u but know i would never turn anyone away like that its rude and not nice i dont understand why people do things like that esp since u had so much in common but i hope with all the nice comments u know ur muched loved here xxx ive never had a penpal before why i joined here i have a lot of health issues and im a mum to an autistic son to here your problem has upset me a lot i have no friends either because im am a mum and my health went down hill so i know ur pain there im comletly new to penpalling so im sorry if ive upset anyone but i cant wait to speak to u all xxx Drop your address and you will get pretty inks on paper to look at and try to read
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Post by vertolive on Oct 28, 2021 15:50:05 GMT
This is an old but interesting topic. I have a kid. I have 5 dogs. I have a husband. If any of them have an “adventure”, eg son chasing coyotes with a baseball bat to save a stray dog, many of my pen pals will hear about it. If it’s story worthy I share it, otherwise not.
Being as “Irish as the day”, I love a good story whether it’s the fabulous trip to the pen store or the baby throwing up on the Pastor. It’s all grist for the letter writer’s mill.
Write on.
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Post by ginny on Oct 29, 2021 9:38:59 GMT
This is an old but interesting topic. I have a kid. I have 5 dogs. I have a husband. If any of them have an “adventure”, eg son chasing coyotes with a baseball bat to save a stray dog, many of my pen pals will hear about it. If it’s story worthy I share it, otherwise not. Being as “Irish as the day”, I love a good story whether it’s the fabulous trip to the pen store or the baby throwing up on the Pastor. It’s all grist for the letter writer’s mill. Write on. Agreed, this old topic still is interesting. I think what generally bothers me a bit in any sort of relationship is one-sidedness / focusing on one topic only, and that goes for any topic. If someone only writes about one aspect of life (and it's not an aspect that I can relate to), that can be a bit of a conversation killer. And at the end of the day, being (superficially) at similar points in life doesn't necessarily mean you get on well with someone.
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