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Post by annavalerious on Jan 27, 2016 11:41:36 GMT
Last week someone replied to an old pen pal ad that I had in Interpals. She was very similar to me and we spoke via email for a week before we exchanged addresses. It's true that we didn't talk about anything personal, as she said she preferred to wait a bit and get to know me before telling me about her personal life, so we talked about books, traveling, science, we had so much in common.
Yesterday she asked for my address and asked me if I was married. I told her I am, and that I have a small kid. I got a reply at once where she said that she's single and without kids, and that she doesn't think our friendship would work because I'm a "mom".
It's not the first time this happens to me. It doesn't matter if we have so much in common and we could become great friends: if I'm a "mom" and they're single or childless, they don't want to stay in touch with me, or they say "Sorry, but I don't like to write to moms".
Being a mother is a huge part of my life, but believe it or not, I barely talk about my child in my letters. My letters are a place where I can disconnect from real life and share things with a far away friend. I don't burden my friends with stories about my child's diseases, school, etc... only if they ask me I reply.
I'm sad because to me, this is like someone who says: "I only write to single, white people". Or "I only want to write to moms of 3 or more kids". I mean, do you choose your friends depending on their jobs, careers, status, etc? Are we "moms" so boring that nobody wants to give us a chance?
I lost almost all my single pen pals after I gave birth. WIth some of them I had been friends for 7 years. But they said we weren't compatible anymore. That they would never understand how life is with a kid and that they wouldn't be able to share their lives with me anymore. Well, I'm not an engineer or a soldier, or a doctor, but still I can talk to people who are. We're all humans. Having a baby doesn't turn you into an alien or a new species!!
Sorry if I offended some of you. I respect everybody's choices and their rights to choose their pen pals. But I'm tired of always finding people with the same issues towards mothers...
What do you think about it? Opinions and critics are welcome.
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Post by Mia on Jan 27, 2016 13:07:21 GMT
I haven't had much luck with Interpals.
I'm wondering if the single-without-kids fear almost all of the letter will be about the children. Children are a big part of their parents' lives so should be mentioned even if briefly. I was part of a new mother and baby group - discussion was almost all about the babies. While some of that is a comfort, too much and you need proper adult conversation without interruptions of "mummy, I did a poo" announced while you have adult company or a tantrum because something happened the little monster didn't like (in the middle of a supermarket or cafe). The children are the centre of the universe, and perhaps non-parents don't understand/accept that - you won't have time for our friendship any more. I can accept not seeing "real life" friends as much after giving birth and you are unlikely to be in a fit state to go clubbing to 3am in the morning every weekend - perhaps they don't know when to contact you (the phone ringing might just wake the baby you've only just gotten to sleep) so you have to initiate the contact. However, letters - these could be written over many sessions and you should be able to get a reply out within a reasonable time. Perhaps the child-less or child-free person is jealous - perhaps unable to carry a baby themselves, suffered miscarriages, and being childless was not an active choice, or perhaps experienced difficult childhood and could be jealous of you being a wonderful parent to your children... Perhaps they don't even like children (a former boss was like that).
In conclusion, I find it all rather sad that mothers are not worthy of their friendship.
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Post by chojo on Jan 27, 2016 15:45:49 GMT
As a single childless person I couldn't give a hoot whether people have kids or not, granted i wouldn't want to receive letters telling all about the kids lives in detail but I have pen pals who have kids and as part of being friends their family does come into the conversation sometimes. Why that should bother people is beyond me, However if it helps I've also had people that didn't want to write to me because I didn't have kids and they assume that because I'm not a family man that we wouldn't have anything in common. I'd try not to let it get to you too much, there are plenty of folks out there who are more than happy to correspond with people regardless of their personal status. I've even suffered similar prejudices as a carer, some people think I should just stick mum in a care home and forget about her. Needless to say I don't write to those guys anymore!
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Post by kansaskyle on Jan 27, 2016 15:54:23 GMT
Bummer that people don't want to write to someone because they find out the other person is a mom. I wonder if they fear letters will turn into a recounting of little Johnny or little Suze's life? You would think your initial correspondence would give an idea if that was all you were talking about.
Sounds like their loss.
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Post by stormymorning on Jan 27, 2016 16:53:50 GMT
I think I'm pretty picky penpal wise, but someone's marital status or number of children has never been a reason for me to quit correspondence. I actually could never have guessed this is an issue for anyone, so it got me thinking. Perhaps those people have many prejudices about mothers and motherhood. My only advice is to try and let it not bother you too much.
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Post by klaus on Jan 27, 2016 17:31:03 GMT
Hello Anna,
Sorry to hear your story above. I think that´s very strange, especially given that you found out you have so much in common. but it´s the other persons problem (in different ways, you can worry about it but you will never know the real reasons...). Please go on and don´t worry too much.
Heads up
Klaus
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2016 17:56:03 GMT
I was also sorry to read that and I can't but agree with what the others have said before. This kind of behaviour says much about the other person, but it by no means contains any judgement about you. These people just haven't deserved you as a penpal!
I'm also a mom, but don't write much about that, I think (those who know me, correct me if I'm wrong). Penpalling had been part of my life long before I even thought of starting my own family. I'm happy to have adult conversations and to escape family life for a while. It helps me to stay in touch with "my old self". It's strange but 80 percent of my penpals do not have children. I can nevertheless say that most of them like children.
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Post by thatauthor on Jan 27, 2016 18:03:59 GMT
Sorry to hear that. I haven't had that experience but maybe people haven't written me back because I just tell them amthat I'm married and have kids in my intro letter.
Anyhow I'm not sure what people are thinking... Maybe that you'll just go on & on about you kid without any empirical basis for it. To be sure I have mentioned my kids in my letters but it's not like that's the sole focus.
And it's not like because you're a Mom you suddenly went through some transformation that you forgot what it was like before you had kids.
Their loss.
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Post by DJW1066 on Jan 27, 2016 20:26:44 GMT
I'm not a mom - never have been and never will be - but I'd be glad to be your pen pal. Completely her loss.
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Post by MKB on Jan 28, 2016 1:29:39 GMT
"Wait a minute, you're a mom? Oh, what a disappointment, I thought you were so cool, but I now know that's impossible." I imagine one of the possibilities with this potential penpal is that the relationships with her friends crossing the mommy threshold may have changed and caused discomfort. Unfortunately, her assumptions may have led her to protect herself from a presumed similar experience with you by initiating a preemptive exit. Not sure this is it, of course. You seem cool to me, but then, how would I know, I have children.
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Post by alcyone on Jan 28, 2016 3:44:44 GMT
That's very strange to me if the aim is purely friendship. Maybe she wanted something more? And this happened to you multiple times? A cultural thing perhaps?
Sorry it happened and hope you will have better luck in the future.
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Post by annavalerious on Jan 28, 2016 6:43:25 GMT
Thank you all for the kind answers!! I feel much better now Yes, it happened to me more times. And with pen pals from Italy, Germany and Austria. People who "hated" children and when I got pregnant commented "OMG, now your life will change forever, until you die!". I used to be a very fast pen pal and answered all letters within a week. When they had to wait 3 weeks or one month for my reply they gave up. It's interesting, because one of them got married last year and she already has a baby, her problem was that she wanted to have kids but didn't find the right guy. In the case that a woman can't have kids and suffers because of that I understand why she wouldn't want to write me and I would never think bad of her. Some people with fertility problems are really traumatized. One of my best friends can't get pregnant and whenever she sees a mom with a newborn she cries for hours. Anyway... when I'll look for new pen pals, I'll ask here
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Post by migo984 on Jan 28, 2016 13:40:15 GMT
It works the other way too. I don't have kids (the reason is irrelevant) & that made some 'friends' and pen pals, who became parents after our 'friendships' were established, uncomfortable for some reason. Some stopped inviting me to things because they thought I wouldn't "understand their lives anymore". This is a real quote "......you can't possibly know how difficult it is to be a mum, or know how to be responsible for something totally dependent on you. You can be a selfish person, unlike a mother, as you can just please yourself". I won't quote my reply here. Sadly It'll always be that way - prejudice and intolerance raises its ugly head all too often, even at the most mundane level. So just forget the close-minded ones and move on.....
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Post by Mia on Jan 28, 2016 15:37:45 GMT
It works the other way too. I don't have kids (the reason is irrelevant) & that made some 'friends' and pen pals, who became parents after our 'friendships' were established, uncomfortable for some reason. Some stopped inviting me to things because they thought I wouldn't "understand their lives anymore". This is a real quote "......you can't possibly know how difficult it is to be a mum, or know how to be responsible for something totally dependent on you. You can be a selfish person, unlike a mother, as you can just please yourself". I won't quote my reply here. Sadly It'll always be that way - prejudice and intolerance raises its ugly head all too often, even at the most mundane level. So just forget the close-minded ones and move on..... I can understand if a mother mainly wants penpals who are also mothers, to possibly share insight and advice, maybe set their children up as penpals too, etc... but variety is the spice of life... I wonder then how they'd feel writing to someone with "furbabies" - many view pets as children/part of the family, a responsibility.
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Post by sharmon202 on Jan 28, 2016 15:44:09 GMT
I do not understand it, to each his own I guess. Best not take much personally, you just did not fit in this persons preferred demographics. I wonder if this person writes to people based on the color of their skin?
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