Adomnan
Crayons
Waiting for Godot
Posts: 5
Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
Country I live in is: Ireland
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Post by Adomnan on Jan 21, 2016 23:28:22 GMT
I have five pen pals, all fairly new, in that early stage of writing stuff and asking questions to try and get to know each other. Well, all except one. It feels curiously disloyal to write this when a letter is such a personal thing, but I will try to ensure that no details are revealed. One of my pen pals is a very regular writer and responds very quickly, which is great, I appreciate that. The issue I'm having is that I write back and ask lots of questions about them and what they are doing and things they raised in their letter; nothing too personal or intrusive and not involving politics or religion (that's not an issue for me, but I know it's a big 'no-no' for some), but I get a letter back that goes on about something else entirely. At one stage I wondered if my letters were actually reaching this person or if our letters were actually cross posting each other, but I don't think that is the case. It's as if the person hasn't read my letter, and they never ask me a question about anything or answer anything I have asked them about themselves or what they are doing (as described in their letters). I don't want to be rude and just stop writing, after all it might be a 'style' that I simply don't know or find hard to connect with. I'm tempted to give up, but would like to try and give it a bit of a shot. Has anyone else experienced pen pals like this and if so what was the end result? I'm open to the very real possibility that I might be doing something wrong too and would appreciate if it is pointed out.......just with a modicum of gentleness
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Post by mailartist on Jan 21, 2016 23:55:18 GMT
This may either be a stylistic thing, or the fact that there are so few pen pal relationships these days that no one really knows what the rules should be. After all, a great many correspondences end quickly, so you may just be mailing someone who hasn't had the luxury of having anyone write back.
The "Five Question" initiative sounds a lot like what you may envision regarding pen pals. But it doesn't have to be that way, and I probably write more the type of letter your describing here. I write about what's currently up in my life, although (as I get to know a pen pal), I might ask how someone's new kitten is doing, for example, or about their trip to the knitting festival. I've never been a pen pal to "Here are my answers to your questions. Now, answer this." (The latter feels a bit like a therapy session.)
To me, what is a satisfying pen pal relationship is if something they wrote to me about comes to mind at a later point. For example, one pen pal talked about how the family dog got into the garbage, and dragged some juicy and particularly rank package onto the oriental rug, whereupon the dog proceeded to chew it open. In another letter, this same pen pal talked about giving a cheap fountain pen to a child on Christmas day, and the child went around all day with blue fingers. Those aren't "question/answer, yes you read my last letter" responses, but it gives me something concrete to hang on to about this pen pal. Here is somebody who has a "sort of okay, sort of not okay" life, just like mine, and it gives me hope that I'm not the only weirdo on the planet.
I'm not sure what to say relative to your pen pal, but it may well be that the interchange is less than satisfying for a different reason (something to consider on your part). However, I do know that I've found some relationships to become pleasant, simply because I kept at it and (over time) came to appreciate different writing styles. One pen pal, for example, likes commercial bi-fold cards, and Washi tape. Shortish notes, but I have found that I don't mind answering in kind once in a while. After all, some days, I'm not in the mood for a longer letter.
Good question to raise, however.
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Post by Mia on Jan 22, 2016 0:17:14 GMT
I actually rarely ask questions, not even a "how are you?" but some rhetorical questions do sneak in (do postcards get jealous?). However, I will respond to what is in the letter - mostly in order with expansion. A conversation even among friends over coffee isn't all question and answer / interrogation... e.g.
"I slipped on a dog turd and caught my arm on a rose thorn when I fell." "Ouch..."
There, there is a response or at least acknowledgement.
There are people who write the same letter to everyone, not even acknowledging what you have written, other than perhaps a Thank you for your letter - "form" letters. However, one "form" letter I received was typed, but it also had something written in pen, in response to what I had written. If a letter has in no way a connection in reply to my letter, I would seriously consider whether the correspondence is worth continuing.
Questions can help as there is something to respond to, something to write. I have received letters that don't seem to say anything and with no easy way to respond (other than, perhaps, That's interesting).
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Adomnan
Crayons
Waiting for Godot
Posts: 5
Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
Country I live in is: Ireland
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Post by Adomnan on Jan 22, 2016 0:45:23 GMT
I hope I'm not interrogating?! I don't mean that I ask a lot of questions, more of a conversation style of writing. For instance I might relay a story about a pet and ask if they have any pets. Or if they mention something like 'I went to Honalulu on holiday' I'd ask 'How was it?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking twenty questions every letter. I think it might be a bit of a style thing too, but where I know we have shared interests there is little response. I find it slightly odd because the other pen pals are great. I think I will stick at it for now though and I might learn something through it.
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Post by Gary S on Jan 22, 2016 2:13:37 GMT
I often skip over subjects covered in a pen pal's letter if I have something I want to relate and am rushed for time. I'm not a real question asking sort of pen pal anyway. I cut my teeth on pen pals who couldn't respond via letters due to advanced age. I would relate things about my day, week, month and tell humorous little stories in my letters. Often they would phone in response after reading one of my letters but then we would have a conversation apart from what was in the letter. Usually the call began by them relating some tale about something equally odd that happened to them but from there like any conversation it evolved onto other subjects.
I look at letters as conversations so I read through the letter, pick up pen and paper (metaphorically) and respond to whatever is the most salient point in their letter. At least what is the most salient thing to my mind. What they thought was important, spending the most time in their letter upon, might not be what I picked up on personally. So my response, while based upon their letter, is generally not a point for point reply to their letter's paragraphs/thoughts. If that does happen it is generally because I'm struggling to find something to say. Then I'll answer point for point hoping something will jog loose and allow me to start expounding my own thoughts freely.
Try to right your letters like you would speak. Your writing should have a voice just as your body would if you were there in person. It is a bit more difficult as there is no give and take as in an in person conversation but you should really try to achieve the sense that you are speaking to them as you write. I hope that makes sense, it is hard to explain.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2016 8:23:10 GMT
I don't have the impression that there's anything wrong with you, Adomnan. I've never had a pen pal who wrote letters with no connection at all to my letters. I think that in that case I would be as amazed as you. As Mia already mentioned, the letters might be "form" letters, the same being sent to everyone. I think I would lose interest in such a pen pal soon.
I must admit that I'm a 'question person'. I like to ask questions - sometimes maybe too many, they come easy to me - and to receive answers. I've come across people who mistook that as an interview.
Apart from that, I love if letters make me think or I learn something new. The jumping-off point for the conversation has not always to be a question, but like for Gary can also be a little remark in a subclause, some keyword or something I believe to have sensed or read inbetween the lines.
Adomnan, I have the impression that you feel bad about terminating the correspondence and don't really know how to do it. I can very much relate to that.
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Post by thatauthor on Jan 23, 2016 17:26:03 GMT
I'll often try to relate to something to the various paragraphs/subjects in someone's letter. But there are some subjects that I just don't have any experience or can't relate... those I may not respond to or glaze over. But I don't think I've ever had an entire letter where I didn't respond at all to something in it.
It may be as Mia said that your pen pal is just responding the same to everyone. If you think you're corresponding to an "autoreply" you may want to evaluate whether its worth continuing the correspondence. For me the value is in the back & forth, not just getting and receiving a letter. I don't ask a lot of questions, maybe one or two in a letter, if that.
There's also the possibility the person you're corresponding with may not relate as usual with people (i.e. Aspberger Syndrome)
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Post by hoyabella on Jan 24, 2016 7:36:49 GMT
I am the sort of pen pal who likes to write and read about books, movies, ideas, the "world systems"... A letter including only chit chat on everyday routine is not really the best for me, at the moment. I actually have a pen pal who mostly "chats" in her letter but she is an old time friend and in this case it is sort of fine. If it happened with a new pen pal, I suppose I'd go on writing for two or three letters and then I'll find a polite way to settle the question. Last year I was contacted by a woman, who - I realized after a couple of letters - had not much in common with me and did not answer my questions, so in my next letter I kindly asked her why she had chosen me and what she thought about our correspondence, adding that I was not really sure that we could be good pen friends. I never heard from hear again...
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Post by mailartist on Jan 25, 2016 19:54:36 GMT
I thought I would just throw this out, but (as I've thought about this thread) it occurred to me that I don't generally feel comfortable asking people questions until I get to know them well. This is the same in person as it is via the mail. For some reason, asking questions feels a bit forward.
I may, for example, know that two people have been in the hospital, but I will only ask a close friend what happened, if they're feeling better, etc. For some reason, asking a stranger feels like prying (even though I do like hearing what people have to say, if they are so inclined.
I didn't realize this about myself before, but that's how I've been my whole life. Maybe that because I was shy as a child, or because that's how I was raised, to view question asking as invasive? Dunno . . .
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Adomnan
Crayons
Waiting for Godot
Posts: 5
Looking for Penpals?: Yes. Global penpals welcome
Country I live in is: Ireland
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Post by Adomnan on Jan 25, 2016 23:34:01 GMT
Thank you all for taking the time to respond, it's been very helpful. I think I may be corresponding with someone who writes the same letter to everyone, but I've decided to persevere for a little longer to see what happens before throwing in the towel.
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Post by DJW1066 on Jan 26, 2016 21:11:48 GMT
I think of letters as having a slow conversation, along the same lines as Gary S described. Different people have different conversational styles; they're not necessarily right or wrong, just different. And a good conversation can require some effort or at least awareness, by the participants. (E.g. when someone says "sorry, I had to rant and get that off my chest") But at the end of the day it if it's not working for you, you may decide it's not worth your time and effort. And then, as in a person-to-person conversation, you can excuse yourself and go elsewhere. There's nothing wrong with declaring that you plan to take a writing hiatus, and there's no obligation to go into great detail about the reasons why.
I'm fortunate to have some wonderful pen pals. But if they were to decide they no longer want to struggle to read my scratchy writing and read another anecdote about my wonderful grandchildren, then I would never hold it against them.
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Post by saskiamadding on Jan 27, 2016 2:56:28 GMT
I write exactly the same type of pen pal letter you do, Adomnan. I do think the issue with your pen pal is a stylistic one. Just like in face-to-face friendships, people get to know each other differently. I read this great article once that said people were either talkers or questioners - talkers talk about themselves as a way of passing on information, and they expect their conversational partner to talk about themselves as a way for them to GET information about their partner. Questioners ask questions of their partner, and expect their partners to answer and then reciprocate by asking questions to get information from them. Your pen pal relationship sounds a lot like a conversation between a talker and a questioner. One of my best friends and I have this dynamic, and even though I've known him for years, this type of conversation keeps happening and is always frustrating. It could also be an intimacy issue. Some people prefer pen pal letters to be the intimacy level of a casual conversation, like written small talk. Others really want to become intimate with their snail mail pen pals, form a strong bond. Again, if you two aren't on the same page, it probably isn't going to work in the long run. Still, if you keep at it with a modicum of effort, in my experience, pen pal relationships like this tend to peter out on their own, without you having to "dump" the other person. Eventually they get tired of you not doing what they want, and they lose interest. I was really grateful when that happened to me, so I didn't have to sit her down and tell her that things weren't working out.
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Post by annavalerious on Jan 27, 2016 11:47:10 GMT
I used to have a pen pal who wrote monologues about the chair on the other side of her desk and how the sunlight "filtered through it", she never commented or answered whatever I wrote. She could write 2A4 pages about the "coming and going of clients" in her office and how she felt about it. Honestly, reading her letters was quite a challenge, as I never knew what to reply! I knew nothing about her, other than her poetic descriptions. It wasn't a conversation at all and soon, I didn't know what to write anymore.
For me, pen palling is a conversation through letters. I listen, I answer, I write, I ask and expect answers. Of course, sometimes I ramble about how I feel and don't expect an analysis on what I wrote, but it feels bad when you need an opinion and never get it. So, after I lost contact with her (she actually stopped writing first) I never tried to keep corresponding with someone who didn't show any interest in what I say.
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Post by alcyone on Jan 28, 2016 3:47:06 GMT
I hope I am never the person who isn't engaged in the conversation, but if I ever was, I'd hope people were patient with me. For many correspondence is something they are rediscovering or discovering for the first time. And sometimes it takes time to get to a point where the conversations get past small talk and there is enough comfort to talk about real things.
Also, for myself, sometimes I write a letter when it's convenient and not necessarily when I am around my received letters. So it might seem like I am talking past someone, but I was thinking of them and writing to them and only them despite.
The not answering questions, I can see how it would get old. I imagine with enough of that one side or the other will eventually drop, and that's the way of things.
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Post by obakegaippai on Apr 15, 2017 20:18:21 GMT
(I realise this post is quite old, but I've been there too so wanted to reply!) This is so frustrating, like having a face-to-face conversation with someone where you say "I had a job interview last week" and they say "I've booked a holiday!" In my opinion it's rude, even if the person isn't intending to be, and it can make you feel dismissed or unimportant. I exchange letters with a friend and will always ask her questions and talk about what's going on in my life, and more often than not her reply will be written as if she never got my letter. We are in touch in other ways so it doesn't matter so much, but if letters were our only mode of communication I'd feel really frustrated!
What did you decide to do in the end?
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