ebbie
Crayons
Posts: 34
Looking for Penpals?: Perhaps. It depends...
Country I live in is: Canada
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Post by ebbie on Feb 1, 2022 17:24:42 GMT
Hi Everyone,
I know... I haven't been here in a long while. I also haven't written any letters in several months - but I hope to remedy that soon. Just been stressed and overwhelmed - as most people are feeling at the moment.
I was wondering - has anyone's family, or significant other, shamed them for their letter writing / mail art hobby?
I've been writing letters since I was about ten years old (I am now in my 40s) and for as long as I can remember, my parents have always shamed my hobby - so much so, I keep it a secret from everyone.
For example, just this afternoon, I was tidying up my craft room. (For a bit of a back history, I am divorced, and due to financial circumstances, live with my kids, with my parents) My mom notices that I am in my craft room - I was putting a few items away - and then she starts with me how, "All I do is write to strangers."
Every time we have an argument, she (or my dad) bring this up... and tell me that "I have no friends... these people you write to don't care about you... you need to focus on your family etc..." I try to ignore my parents, as I know I am a good mom, and it is important & healthy to have me time every now and again. But it is beyond irritating, considering the fact that pen palling is important to me, I only write letters / do mail art stuff when my kids are in bed, and I write so infrequently (however, I am trying to be a better pal!) to even warrant these kinds of comments.
The thing is, I could sit at my computer for hours, my parents wouldn't say a word... but if they were to see me sitting at my computer with a letter beside me, they begin with their letter writing put downs and insults. I know my parents don't have to like or understand pen palling, but at least be neutral about it.
Anyway, I just thought I'd put it out there and ask how your family and/or significant other reacts towards your pen palling hobby?
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Post by vertolive on Feb 1, 2022 17:59:08 GMT
Ouch! That’s pretty far off the bell curve, I’m sure, and painful to live with too. You’re a great example of literacy to your kids and I KNOW I care deeply about most of the pen friends I have. That said, neither is it easy to ignore. As a Mom, I’ve seldom had time for in person friendships (it being obviously inappropriate to go bar hopping!) and took a lot of comfort in my correspondence. Sending you kind thoughts.
In answer to your question: my husband and son have no problem with it. My husband likes to hear what one of my longest time pals has to say and my son likes to see the various stamps I get.
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Post by Mia on Feb 1, 2022 19:46:06 GMT
They might start out as strangers, but many of my penpals I consider as very close friends. I appreciate many levels of friendship.
Before I restarted penpalling, I was quite caught up in online friendships through online gaming. OH wasn't so keen on that.
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Post by sunshine2170 on Feb 2, 2022 6:08:19 GMT
Hubby supports me and so do my children. When my children were young I would always encourage them to write thank you notes if someone gave them something. Then I bought them a book each and we would write in these books to each other. They love the books and treasure the experience we had with them. Penpalling is such an awesome hobby to have, there is a live person at the end of it with feelings unlike gardening or any other hobby. ebbie I would encourage you to rise above your parents criticisms and keep up with your hobbies.
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Post by Catida on Feb 2, 2022 11:31:34 GMT
Wow, very hard to understand why they feel the need to criticize your hobby like that, ebbie. Especially since you're not spending excessive amount of time writing letters. I feel sad for you Have you tried to explain them how their comments make you feel? I've sometimes written letters when visiting my parents, and they were a bit surprized (as "we thought no-one does that anymore"), but in no way critical. My husband compliments my mail art and has nothing against me writing letters, and my kids are eager to take part in the mail hobby with me I don't think I've ever heard anyone state that correspondence would be a bad hobby.
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Post by Gilly on Feb 2, 2022 12:18:40 GMT
Urghhh some parents are SO negative and nasty with their comments....mine were exactly the same! Yet my ex-husband was very supportive and thought it was a great hobby to have I never hid anything from him and showed him the letters but he was never actually bothered about reading them. I dont see why they find letter writing so threatening and a problem? Surely it would be far worse if you spent hours gaming or chatting to people online? Just ignore them petal (((HUGS)))
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Post by rosesnbrambles on Feb 3, 2022 3:53:46 GMT
I'm sorry you have to deal with those critical comments and that you are in a space where you can't truly relax to the level that you can enjoy your hobbies. It seems to me that focusing on your family completely will prevent you from making friends who are geographically close enough for you to hang out together. I wonder if "family" in this case means not just your children but your parents. Are they expecting you to do more around the house, etc? I ask because my mother used to yell at me for reading if there was a single chore not finished. My brother didn't do his laundry? I would get yelled at for 'sitting around with my nose in a book.' If I did all of my chores -and all of my siblings' chores- so that she came home to a spotless house, she usually didn't say a word about the reading unless one of my siblings annoyed her and she wanted all of us present for the lecture. It took a bit before I caught on to the pattern.
During my childhood, I wrote letters to a friend from a young age and corresponded with missionaries during my teen years. I must have said something to my grandmother about my mother's comments about the cost because she bought me stamps and envelopes a few times. At one point during my marriage, I was writing weekly letters to deployed service members and my (now ex) husband was critical and rude about it. I eventually stopped writing until some time after the marriage ended.
Once the dust settled after our divorce and my daughters and I were in a good place, I realized I missed writing letters. I found some places to connect with others who share that interest. I care deeply about the people I've built relationships with through letters. My daughters are supportive. When they purchase gifts for me for some occasion or another they often include something snail mail related. This past Christmas I was gifted a wax seal kit and 100 Studio Ghibli postcards. My siblings and other relatives are neutral. I sometimes write letters during my meal breaks at work. Most of my coworkers think it's cool and a few have been inspired to reach back out to a friend they used to write letters to regularly. I've also been able to do letter writing focused programs through work (I'm a public librarian).
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ebbie
Crayons
Posts: 34
Looking for Penpals?: Perhaps. It depends...
Country I live in is: Canada
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Post by ebbie on Feb 3, 2022 4:44:43 GMT
Hi Everyone, Thank you all for your kind messages - your messages really mean a lot to me <3 Although I am an adult who lives at home, I do a lot of home upkeep (snow shoveling, gardening, cleaning, vacuuming etc.). I also drive my parents to most of their appointments, pay bills, take care of & spend a lot of time with my kids etc. Although my parents are older, they still want to do some stuff (ie: my mom insists on cooking a traditional family dinner every night; however, I make the family breakfast & lunch) and live active, independent lives. As I mentioned before, I could be sitting at my computer, surfing the web, or sitting on a couch reading a book - those activities doesn't bother them. But as soon as they see me with a letter by my computer, it irritates them. I think they associate letter writing as a kid hobby, something that I should have "grown out of" long ago. I think they also think it is weird or unusual to write letters to "strangers". However, in this day and age, we communicate to "strangers" (as I am doing right now each and everyday on the web, so I really don't think it is "weird" at all. My ex husband also thought letter writing was strange, and would also make negative comments towards pen palling as well. Again, it was fine for him to go out and play sports five days a week, but spending an hour or two in front of the TV with a letter every now and then was considered a really strange way for me to spend my time. In any case, the next time my parents make a negative comment towards my letter writing hobby, I will ask why they feel this way. Honestly, it can be difficult to talk with my parents, as they are set in their ways, and not exactly open to new ideas, or other persons points of view. Thanks again for the good advice, and the support. I really appreciate it.
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Post by penguy on Feb 3, 2022 5:20:23 GMT
Perhaps the next time they make comments bring up this site and have them explore the range of people who are letter writers also the range of content. I feel it is so much more than a hobby.
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Post by Rouge on Feb 3, 2022 10:04:52 GMT
Dear ebbie ,
I hope this message finds you well and safe away from unhappiness now.
To write you all the truth, I guess my family has had a shame on culture when I was younger. My mother often said I was losing my time reading novels. I guess it is one of the main reasons I've not read that much as a kid. I don't know why, but now my family looks at my boxes full of letters with a smile. Are your parents having a shame on the other sides of your paper-related, "intellectual", "cultural" hobbies ? It may be linked to this.
I also must write that I made friends though letters. I always enjoy receiving some letters, especially from this forum's members. It doesn't prevent me from having "real-life" friends too. Let's be honest : do we need to meet tens and tons of friends everyday to be happy ? Absolutely not ! I only keep 10 very close friends that I speak at least once a week, some more than that, but that doesn't make me unhappy.
Whatever's behind this, I hope you will soon succeed to have a back look after it sooner or later, and that your parents will stop this. It is easy to pick anything someone does and shame for it ... But it's nor normal, especially since it doesn't help you in any way.
Have a good day ! Julien
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Post by tramplingrose on Feb 3, 2022 15:49:21 GMT
I am sorry to hear you've been subject to ridicule about letter-writing. I've been writing in various forms since I could hold a pencil at age 3, so letter-writing is just an extension of all the personal writing I do. My first penpal was an exchange student who'd been in my kindergarten class and halfway through the year, moved back to Sweden. My parents were always been supportive of those hobbies. My husband and son aren't letter-writers themselves, but they don't mind me sitting at my desk and writing or decorating envelopes. Would it help to maybe try and involve them somehow - like find them people to write to? I know letters can be a deeply personal activity, but a family letter-writing social of sorts could be fun. I wish you the best and hope that even if they don't understand it, maybe they'll back off with the criticism.
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Post by emeraldscribbles on Feb 3, 2022 21:23:14 GMT
How sad I'm sorry to hear that your family gives you grief over your hobby. My family/friends know I write letters and think I am "weird/different" (not in a bad way)...I'm an old soul and I have my own hobbies that few of my family/friends share a love of, so I'm used to it. No one has shamed me or made fun of me, other than in a friendly joking manner. I'd say do what you want, if YOU enjoy it!
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Post by ginny on Feb 3, 2022 21:26:17 GMT
Sorry to hear that your parents look down on something that's so important to you, ebbie It would be interesting to find out what makes them react this harshly to your letterwriting activities. Let us know when you find out, OK? To answer your question... I began to write letters to penpals in the late 1970s (still am in touch with my first penfriend, by the way), and my father always was supportive of it, particularly when I started writing in English. My father was a letter writer himself, and so was his mother - my grandmother had a penpal in Sweden in the 1960s (she was in her 70s then). My mother was neutral about it - she had written letters to faraway friends as a teen (other girls she met during summer activities), so she understood the concept, although she found it a bit strange that I wrote to people I hadn't met in person before. She did not understand why I kept writing to penpals when I had a boyfriend / got married - as if having a boyfriend / husband means you don't need other people in your life anymore! She never made nasty comments about it, though - she didn't 'get' it, but accepted that it was important to me. My brother actually thought it was a cool hobby. He still thinks that way and considers it a perfectly normal way to spend one's time, although he's not a letterwriter himself. My husband thought it was odd to write to strangers when we first met, but once he met some of my penpals in person, he understood better, and now he sometimes asks about my penpals and what they are up to. From local friends and colleagues, I usually get funny looks and weird questions, like 'so, what do you write about', or remarks like 'they could be serial killers!', but my responses go like 'well, I tell them about people like you who ask me what we write about, and we have a good laugh about that question together' or 'yeah, or they could be Nobel Prize winners', and that shuts them up. Those who have met the occasional penpal of mine during visits etc. understand that it's real people behind the envelopes, and that closes the subject for them.
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Post by sunshine2170 on Feb 3, 2022 23:58:44 GMT
Now here's an idea ebbie, maybe we should write a letter to your parents. I am happy to send them a letter show them how I live on my island. If you would like to tell me their names I would be happy to add them to my 365 challenge this year.
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Post by InsomniaQueen on Feb 5, 2022 1:32:48 GMT
Hi, ebbie! I'm terribly sorry to hear that you feel mocked and unsupported regarding your letter writing hobby. My family supports me with mine and are always bringing me ephemera that they find to use. They also like to see the mail art, postage stamps, postcards, and etc. that I am sent. They aren't interested in becoming letter writers themselves, but they enjoy my enthusiasm on the topic. I write letters almost every day as part of my evening wind down/time filling, and nobody has ever made a disparaging remark when I disappear into my home office, letters in hand. Having said that, I remember when I was young enough to be living with my parents, and my father criticized everything I found enjoyable. I loved him, but he was a very difficult person. It was his habit when arguing to bring up anything any of us loved and mock it as a retaliatory measure. I could see him thinking my letter writing habit was weird and saying so. I think it is an excellent idea to ask your parents what they find objectionable about letter writing. I also think it is an excellent idea for you to have boundaries. For example, go into your room and write your letters. Your parents entering your room to criticize you would be crossing a boundary because you are adult and entitled to privacy. (My daughter and granddaughter live with my husband and me. They have the upstairs, and I never go up there without permission unless there is a maintenance issue with the house that must be addressed - the attic entry is up there.) And maybe some of the other parents here will disagree with me, but I can't imagine nagging my children or arguing with them like they are still teenagers. They are all adults, so I treat them like adults. I wouldn't talk to a friend or coworker like that, so why would I speak to my adult children that way? It is a boundary issue. My role as a mother has changed now that they are adults. I still offer guidance and safety for my kids, but I only interfere if I am invited to do so. Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts on the subject. Take care! Becky
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