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Post by michelleg on May 13, 2020 0:16:01 GMT
My lovely snail mail peeps ~ I have an issue that I need some advice on.
I also have a Students of the World account because - initially - I wanted to find penpals in China and Korea so I can practice my very nascent Mandarin and Korean. I've had no cause for concern from any of the penpals I've found on the site so far. But today, I got a message from a random person that made me a tad uncomfortable. It wasn't perverted or anything - just made my inner radar ping in a not good way.
How in the world do I tell someone that I'm not interested in communicating without
1) looking like a crazy person and
2) without hurting their feelings?
Also, am I overreacting?
TIA
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Post by mailartist on May 13, 2020 1:26:08 GMT
I think Students of the World has been discussed on threads elsewhere on this site. Not sure where, and I don't remember what was said (probably because I'm not familiar with that site you mentioned).
Any idea, Mia or Katie? (I think the discussion began about whether Students of the World charged people to join.)
I do know that some penpal sites have been flagged here as being more problematic than others.
Is the questionable message you got today snail mail, or a digital communication through the site?
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Post by Gary S on May 13, 2020 6:05:41 GMT
Just inform them you're only interested in snail mail exchanges at the moment. I've found that most spammers won't invest in the postage to pursue their plans through the postal service. I'll admit I'm not a member at Students of the World but have run into similar situations over at Interpals. In the beginning I messaged them back but after a while I just delete the messages that are 5 words or less as they are generally just mass messages sent out looking for a response. It's one of the reasons I classify Interpals as more of a dating/scamming site rather than possible pen pal site these days.
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Post by ginny on May 13, 2020 7:59:58 GMT
I have an account there as well and got messages from people that clearly did not fit any of the parameters I had described in my profile, and they knew it... one of them even said he knew he was overstepping the boundaries I had set, but perhaps I'd reconsider - well, I didn't. I didn't reply at all, and I know others handle it similarly. The question if you're over-reacting cannot be answered without knowing what they wrote, obviously, a lot depends on what it is that makes you uncomfortable.
But the main point is that you do feel alarmed, so if I were you, I'd respect that feeling and wouldn't get involved.
If you want to be polite and let them know, you can always say something like 'thank you for your message. At the moment, I cannot take on anymore new contacts'. You are not obliged to give reasons.
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Post by michelleg on May 13, 2020 11:46:06 GMT
I have an account there as well and got messages from people that clearly did not fit any of the parameters I had described in my profile, and they knew it... one of them even said he knew he was overstepping the boundaries I had set, but perhaps I'd reconsider - well, I didn't. I didn't reply at all, and I know others handle it similarly. The question if you're over-reacting cannot be answered without knowing what they wrote, obviously, a lot depends on what it is that makes you uncomfortable. But the main point is that you do feel alarmed, so if I were you, I'd respect that feeling and wouldn't get involved. If you want to be polite and let them know, you can always say something like 'thank you for your message. At the moment, I cannot take on anymore new contacts'. You are not obliged to give reasons. Oh, thank you. That's perfect! And thanks for your advice and support, everyone! <3
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Post by michelleg on May 13, 2020 11:46:52 GMT
I think Students of the World has been discussed on threads elsewhere on this site. Not sure where, and I don't remember what was said (probably because I'm not familiar with that site you mentioned). Any idea, Mia or Katie? (I think the discussion began about whether Students of the World charged people to join.) I do know that some penpal sites have been flagged here as being more problematic than others. Is the questionable message you got today snail mail, or a digital communication through the site? It was a digital communication, not snail mail.
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Post by mailartist on May 13, 2020 14:50:21 GMT
The more general, and widely used, the site, the more likely you will find non-penpal agendas.
One nice thing about AWoSM is that it's a small group and there are enough long-timers "chaperoning" the site that if questionable things show up, they are culled out. Of course, there are fewer people here, and the people here come from more mundane locales (Europe, US/Canada, Australia). There is safety in limitations, but the limitations are there, nonetheless.
I wrote in a previous thread about a random "prisoner" letter that I received. I've never written to prisoners, or authorized any to write me, and the "hubba-hubba, get it on, baby!" letter turned out to be mass-produced. Yes, it was written by hand, but what I held was a photocopy with the addressee name left blank. Thus the prisoner could pencil in a new first name after the "Dear ___" line, and have multiple fishing lines in the pond, so to speak.
This prisoner likely wanted candy mammas to either send money or contraband, or else paper "girlfriends" to increase his stature in the prison. Since the letter arrived outside the usual channels (or, as ginny said, "overstepped boundaries"), I treated it as junk mail and round-filed it. I did not send an answer -- not even an "sorry, I'm not interested."
The reality is that there are physical limits to how many letters one can write, or how many ongoing penpals one can have, so some selection is inevitable. So a one-off exchange is okay, too, even if it's digital: "Thank you for messaging, but I can't add you as a snail-mail correspondent at this time." Period. Either that, or don't respond at all.
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Post by Mia on May 13, 2020 15:13:47 GMT
I do like this - 'thank you for your message. At the moment, I cannot take on anymore new contacts'. Trust your gut! The thread with Students of the World mentioned is s-mail.proboards.com/thread/1080/penpal-sites-on-net-opinionsThis forum's 5th anniversary is in July. We don't have a huge number of members - that's fine, quality rather than quantity (I hope)! I haven't done much advertising of the forum - I think I prefer word of mouth (or letter). Only this year I've put meta tags on this site
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Post by mailartist on May 13, 2020 16:48:01 GMT
That's the thread I was thinking about. Thank you, Mia.
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Post by michelleg on May 13, 2020 19:39:58 GMT
I do like this - 'thank you for your message. At the moment, I cannot take on anymore new contacts'. Trust your gut! The thread with Students of the World mentioned is s-mail.proboards.com/thread/1080/penpal-sites-on-net-opinionsThis forum's 5th anniversary is in July. We don't have a huge number of members - that's fine, quality rather than quantity (I hope)! I haven't done much advertising of the forum - I think I prefer word of mouth (or letter). Only this year I've put meta tags on this site Thanks for that link - interesting to read that thread and what someone said about receiving unwanted emails from people looking to date rather than just correspond. I went ahead and sent a thank you but not open to corresponding now type of response. We'll see what happens. Hopefully nothing!
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Post by michelleg on May 14, 2020 13:26:21 GMT
So a related topic is when pen pals fall off the face of the earth and you never hear from them again. I've been on both sides of the envelope so to speak on this. Sometimes life or illness gets in the way. And sometimes, the pen pal dies and that's why you never hear from them again! One of the other services I've used in the past (but stopped for a while) is LEX (The Letter Exchange) - it's a paid service, but I found some lovely, long term pen pals through there in the past. One was a poet that I corresponded with and exchanged poetry with until his death - which really hit me hard. It's amazing the bonds that can form just via letters. But I've also simply stopped writing someone in the past (mea culpa! mea culpa! mea maxima culpa!) once because I became very ill; another time because they never asked any questions or wanted to have in depth conversations and I'm the type that at some point wants to move past the polite chit chat to soul deep discussions - which is why I love the 5Qs on here! And another time, I stopped writing because even after I told a pen pal that I hadn't written in a while due to a death in the family, they were super mad and snooty about it and told me not to write anymore. Letter writing, I think, requires time but it also requires some level of vulnerability and self-awareness - because the thought required in writing a letter (and not just signing a card and no note) opens up other avenues of thought and many are experts at distracting themselves. Has anyone seen an uptick in letters during the quarantine (slow postal service aside)? I would "think" there would be - I certainly have had more time to write letters myself.
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Post by Mia on May 14, 2020 14:59:25 GMT
I do know life/events happen and this can lead to a stoppage in correspondence. One penpal I had, I stopped writing to except for Christmas cards because, well, a toddler can sap energy, etc. But there was still the connection. I reconnected with letters, but his declining health... On/off correspondence for 20 years. He passed away last year. I'm a member of Swap-Bot. One penpal letter thing there, the letter came but did not say anything other than what was written in her profile and she hadn't taken note of my profile. I tried to draft a reply but could not. There was nothing there to hook me, and that disappointed me I could not respond. I think there may be an element of not knowing what to write, especially in the first letters. That's one reason for the Five Questions. If you want to strike up a conversation with someone at the supermarket or somewhere, you don't reel off your life story / personal CV (My name is... I have children called... my husband is called ..., my brother is.... So and so is a plumber. We have three cats called Bonzo, Bert and Bozo.....) before letting them respond. You can introduce yourself through answering someone's (or someone else's) Five Questions. Perhaps you stir your cup of tea clockwise. Your partner, ..., stirs his anti-clockwise. I do feel certainly at least with some of my letters, I put a bit of heart and soul into them. They are part of me. Anyone could talk about the weather and the news, but the letter might not feel personal. I'm not sure how to put this but it sounds like I want your soul in letters too.
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Post by ginny on May 14, 2020 15:45:21 GMT
I do know life/events happen and this can lead to a stoppage in correspondence. One penpal I had, I stopped writing to except for Christmas cards because, well, a toddler can sap energy, etc. But there was still the connection. I reconnected with letters, but his declining health... On/off correspondence for 20 years. He passed away last year. I'm a member of Swap-Bot. One penpal letter thing there, the letter came but did not say anything other than what was written in her profile and she hadn't taken note of my profile. I tried to draft a reply but could not. There was nothing there to hook me, and that disappointed me I could not respond. I think there may be an element of not knowing what to write, especially in the first letters. That's one reason for the Five Questions. If you want to strike up a conversation with someone at the supermarket or somewhere, you don't reel off your life story / personal CV (My name is... I have children called... my husband is called ..., my brother is.... So and so is a plumber. We have three cats called Bonzo, Bert and Bozo.....) before letting them respond. You can introduce yourself through answering someone's (or someone else's) Five Questions. Perhaps you stir your cup of tea clockwise. Your partner, ..., stirs his anti-clockwise. I do feel certainly at least with some of my letters, I put a bit of heart and soul into them. They are part of me. Anyone could talk about the weather and the news, but the letter might not feel personal. I'm not sure how to put this but it sounds like I want your soul in letters too. I think it's normal that some contacts don't last forever. This happens in real life, too - you walk the same road for a while, and then you part ways. Also, you can't be friends with everybody. Sometimes, all parameters fit, yet you just cannot bond with someone. You can't put your finger on what it is, but it just doesn't happen. I don't think you have to 'click' with someone rightaway for becoming friends, so it's not that I'd wait for that to happen, but with some folks you just don't get comfortable, no matter what you try. Basically, I try to write the kind of letters that I'd like to receive myself, and sometimes that resonates with people - at other times, it doesn't. C'est la vie. And it happens the other way round, too.
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Post by christyotwisty on May 14, 2020 18:32:24 GMT
Letter writing, I think, requires time but it also requires some level of vulnerability and self-awareness - because the thought required in writing a letter (and not just signing a card and no note) opens up other avenues of thought and many are experts at distracting themselves. Letter correspondence can demand from the reader patience and acceptance of the writer's vulnerability and self-awareness. Some pen pals drop because their correspondent has moved away and are not considered worthy of the extra postage and because the correspondent after years of 'normalcy' and contentedness is now in an uncomfortable situation (divorce, bankruptcy, prison, terminal illness in the family/household).
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Post by stompie on May 15, 2020 12:05:52 GMT
Hmmm, the last few posts have got me thinking!
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