escorpio
Pencils
Posts: 87
Looking for Penpals?: Perhaps. It depends...
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Post by escorpio on Jan 7, 2021 19:44:07 GMT
That's difficult. Did any of the letters she wrote bring you joy? What would you do if this was a friendship in person, say someone at school/college/work...? Think I've had heart-to-heart, or a third party stepped in (someone in class). I've also seen some classmates break up... leaving one in tears.. I wonder if there is such a thing as penpal-mediation? If it was someone at work I'd definitely avoid them at lunch. I have tried to ask questions, but the answers to them are always short. The letters are long, but not very interesting. To respond feels more like a chore than a fun thing and I feel like such a horrible person. But at the same time, I don't want to spend my free time doing what feels like chores.
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Post by Mia on Jan 7, 2021 20:17:17 GMT
Perhaps then send a card, saying you can't write to her anymore (or at the moment, as that keeps a possibility alive), it is you (as in you aren't finding her letters a joy) rather than her... Wish her well...
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Post by ginny on Jan 7, 2021 20:48:52 GMT
The worst aspect about this is that I think that whatever you'll do, that person will feel hurt. The two of you obviously don't feel the same way about your correspondence because I'm sure she would not have sent a gift if she felt 'meh' about you. Maybe wait a little before you break the news that you do not want to continue the exchange? Right after having received a Christmas gift, it would appear a bit abrupt to burn the bridges.
In a few weeks you might feel a bit less urgent about the whole thing and she might not feel the stinging disappointment of having sent a gift but getting ditched anyway as acutely as she would now... and then you can send a card, explaining that you'd rather not continue writing - or if that sounds too 'mean', you can always say that you feel overwhelmed at the moment and have to reassess your situation regarding letterwriting so she might not hear from you in a while... that would perhaps sound a bit less harsh than a clear goodbye.
In a case like this, I would definitely not just disappear. That would be cruel, I think.
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Post by distractedmom on Jan 8, 2021 1:19:47 GMT
you can always say that you feel overwhelmed at the moment and have to reassess your situation regarding letterwriting so she might not hear from you in a while... that would perhaps sound a bit less harsh than a clear goodbye. ginny! You are brilliant!
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Post by ginny on Jan 8, 2021 11:32:24 GMT
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escorpio
Pencils
Posts: 87
Looking for Penpals?: Perhaps. It depends...
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Post by escorpio on Jan 8, 2021 14:22:17 GMT
Thanks for all your thoughts!
For the time being, I will continue writing, and hope to steer the discussion onto more deeper topics (not out to discuss philosophy or science or whatever, but past everyday accounts). In real life, I have no problems with accepting that I don't click with everyone, in fact I count on it, and would, as mentioned above, choose to sit elsewhere in the lunch room (you know, when I actually was in the office having lunch people), but still behave in a polite way. I hope we can make progess in our penfriendship, otherwise I'll think about how to pause it.
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Post by Mia on Jan 10, 2021 0:00:39 GMT
Thanks for all your thoughts! For the time being, I will continue writing, and hope to steer the discussion onto more deeper topics (not out to discuss philosophy or science or whatever, but past everyday accounts). In real life, I have no problems with accepting that I don't click with everyone, in fact I count on it, and would, as mentioned above, choose to sit elsewhere in the lunch room (you know, when I actually was in the office having lunch people), but still behave in a polite way. I hope we can make progess in our penfriendship, otherwise I'll think about how to pause it. Good luck.
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Post by Lupine on Jan 17, 2021 12:52:34 GMT
Very interesting discussion. I usually say, "suck it up buttercup" the truth is more respectful than a lie, but in this case, I'm not so sure. I'd like to support the "I'm feeling overwhelmed" suggestion. That's good, but now that I've advocated for that in public, I can't actually use it. Although I don't mind it if you disappear on me (ghost me), I agree that I would worry about you. I was a Big Sister (program for youth in trouble) to a kid I didn't like and for more than a year I put on a happy face and trudged through our outings and events, but he could tell I wasn't into it and soon became only interested in what he could get for free during our time together and it was never good enough because it wasn't a substitute for a warm relationship. I whish I had been mature enough to make up an excuse early on that would not have hurt his feelings, but in the end I "moved on" saying it had run its course, and I'm sure that was hurtful for the little dweeb.
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Post by ginny on Jan 17, 2021 15:15:59 GMT
I think there is no one-size-fits-all solution for this, anyway. It depends a lot on where you are in life, where your not-so-loved penpal is and what the reason for your decision to discontinue the correspondence is. The idea that honesty is the best policy is very honourable, but then again - how do you say to someone 'Your letters bore me to death' without being hurtful? Why would you want to hurt someone just because you're not on the same wavelength? Quite pointless, don't you think? And I disagree - the truth is not always more respectful than a lie, Lupine... Here's an anecdote on this topic: I once had a so-called penpal many years ago who had advertised on a penpal site - she was looking specifically for 'long letter pals'. However... it turned out that it was too much for her to cope with letters that were longer than two pages (that's 1 sheet A4 format, written on front and back), and her replies were fairly short and vapid. When I made a remark about what a pity it was that she hadn't elaborated on something that I would have liked to know more about (some outing or trip or whatever), she kind of exploded on me (in an e-mail) and said that she hated writing long letters and wasn't interested in hearing people's opinions on things. OK, that was perhaps honest. It wasn't respectful, though, and it was hurtful, too. Had she taken the 'I'm feeling overwhelmed' approach, no harm would have been done. I might have been disappointed, but I wouldn't have been hurt.
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Post by radellaf on Jan 17, 2021 18:23:54 GMT
If she'd left out the exploding part and just said that "it turns out I hate writing long letters and am not interested in hearing people's opinions on things." then I think I might be taken aback, but not insulted. I'd be like "well, wrong hobby then, wish ya'd figured that out after one letter"
Wow. I can understand not liking writing long letters. I hate how long it takes at the same time I love having the excuse to write with my nice pens. But if you don't want to hear people's opinions then you can barely converse with anyone, much less exchange letters.
Now, I'll grant, depending on what those opinions _are_, I might not feel like continuing a correspondence. Haven't had any cases where it was just "Nope!" so I generally stick to the avoid politics & religion thing. What I need now is to make a note of the pals who I _can_ write politics to. If the letter I'm replying to doesn't venture into it, I'm not likely to be confident enough of my memory to get into the topic.
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Post by ginny on Jan 17, 2021 21:33:26 GMT
Good points made, radellaf , and I totally agree, if she had left out that 'exploding' part, it would have been easier. The way she said it left me sitting there like it had been my fault, and I didn't like that very much *lol* Nothing wrong with not liking writing long letters, really. It's just that you should not advertise for long letter writers when you can't / don't want to reciprocate. Politics and religion can be touchy subjects, yet they don't *have* to be. A lot depends on how someone presents their opinions.
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Post by radellaf on Jan 18, 2021 1:41:19 GMT
I don't think I'd want to try talking politics with someone diametrically opposed, and there's precious little middle ground these days (in the USA, I know very little about European politics). I have talked about religion (or is it philosophy?) with someone I didn't agree with. Alan Watts stuff that I _sorta_ can go for, but with quantum physics wrapped in (which I think is a step too far). It was a pretty interesting back-and-forth, though I don't think either of us changed our minds. I did learn that many of the original physicists working on quantum stuff at Berkeley did get a bit psychedelic about it. That was interesting. Religion is probably easier to handle politely as long as it doesn't get political (i.e., stays as "what I do" vs "what everyone should do")
As a nod to the OT, the how-to I might need is what to say to someone who is absolutely fine, but I have to pick _someone_ to reduce how many people I'm trying to write to. I'm not willing to do that yet, but it could become necessary. So far, I think I have enough attrition to keep things (barely) manageable. I've only once had a break-up letter. Everyone else has just "ghosted". I'm fine with that unless it's someone I've been writing to for years. Then, a goodbye letter would be cool. Of course, it could just be that their last letter got lost in the mail and they think I'm the one doing the ghosting.
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Post by hoyabella on Jan 20, 2021 10:56:27 GMT
I generally stick to the avoid politics & religion thing. If I were sure that an extremist letter would induce a couple of penpals (not from here) to quit writing to me, I'd write it straight away, instead of torturing myself about how to break up with them. :-D :-D
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Post by InsomniaQueen on Jan 20, 2021 11:14:02 GMT
I like to know where someone stands on politics, religion, etc. It is just better to know than to assume.
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Post by ginny on Jan 21, 2021 20:37:11 GMT
I like to know where someone stands on politics, religion, etc. It is just better to know than to assume. This is a good point. It requires some tolerance from both sides, though, and not everyone is up to that. I'm generally happy with whatever faith / belief / religion someone follows as long as they don't go on preaching and trying to proselytise me. I have friends from all sorts of religious backgrounds, and fortunately, it's worked out fine so far.
Admittedly, politics can be more difficult, and conspiracy theories are extremely difficult for me to handle.
As a bottom line, I'd say I'm afraid I'm not very tolerant towards the intolerant in general
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